The Goodness of God

 Today at church during our quiet personal prayer time, the worship leader sang "The Goodness of God."  I've heard this song plenty of times, but somehow today was different. Today I just shut my eyes and listened, and saw my life through the lens of these words.  

 I love you, Lord/for your mercy never fails me/All my days, I've been held in Your hands/From the moment that I wake up/Until I lay my head/Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

I thought about waking up in the morning, either in the dark or as the sun starts to break through (I face east in my bed, so the rising sun hits me!), and how thankful I am to be alive, and then at night, I'm so tired that often my only prayer is thank you, thank you. 

I love Your voice/You have led me through the fire/In the darkest night/You are close like no other/I've known You as a father, I've known You as a friend/And I have lived in the goodness of God

So many images rushed through my mind.  The long night that I endured as I miscarried our third child--the brutal emotional pain of that experience.  The deep, difficult nights at the end of my father's life, when I was the only one awake in the house, sitting vigil at his side to be sure he wouldn't try to get up and fall down. I never slept. When I needed to wash sheets or change linens (often) I woke my sister up, but otherwise the house was quiet. I knew I wasn't alone. God was watching with me. 

Cause your goodness is running after, it's running after me...with my life laid down/I'm surrendered now/I give you everything/Cause your goodness is running after me.....

For years I ran in the opposite direction of God, and His goodness showed up constantly, in unexpected places, pursuing me. And the surrender that has had to occur when I've reached the end of my own abilities...I could see flashes of my husband's cancer, my father's cancer, moments with my children when I wasn't sure what to do, difficulties in my extended family...the surrender to God that is so hard, but such a relief. 

And all my life You have been faithful/And all my life You have been so, so good/With every breath that I am able/Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

Life can be hard. I don't understand most of what happens, or why, but I try to turn, over and over again, in the direction of trust and surrender to the goodness of God. 

2023 Reader's Journal

 My Reader's Journal from last year is woefully bare, primarily because I kept forgetting to write down what I was reading.  I also started a new job, and that did cut into my reading time. I'm hopeful that this year I will remember to keep track and that I will make more time to read.  I read more books than this for sure--but these are the only ones I remembered to write down (and I'm terrible at trying to remember this far after the fact!).  I put an asterisk beside the ones I liked the best.

1. Dear Bob and Sue (Matt and Karen Smith)(this is a very funny book that I read when I went to the Bahamas last winter)

2. Middlemarch* (George Eliot)(this is a re-read, but I'm not done with it yet)

3. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe* (CS Lewis)(Audible)

4. Prince Caspian* (CS Lewis)(Audible)

5. How We Die (Sherwin Nuland)

6. Several books related to practicing law (ie, contract drafting and so on)

7. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader* (CS Lewis)(Audible)(I LOVE THIS ONE!)

8. Re-Creations* (Grace Livingston Hill)

9. Digital Minimalism (Cal Newport)(another re-read) 

10. Anna Karenina (Leo Tolstory)(I'm not finished with this, so please, no spoilers! I'm about 3/4 of the way through....and I'm going to withhold my opinion until I see how it ends)

11. Debt Free U* (Zac Bissonnette)(super useful information for how to attain a college degree while taking on zero debt--this is really important to our family) 

12. Heidi* (Johanna Spyri)(with Annie-we love this sweet story)

13. The Death of Ivan Ilych* (Tolstoy)--this one is motivated me to begin Anna Karenina.  The Death of Ivan Ilych was excellent; I had read it in college, but reading it now, in midlife, after all the water that has passed under the bridge...it was completely different, and so, so good. 

....see? Pitiful! 

I read multiple books on college admissions and paying for college, the titles of which escape me (mostly library books).  I read lots of essays. I dipped into some old favorites, such as The War of Art, to read favorite sections. I think I did a lot of that "dipping into" books this year! In fact, 2023 may have been my Worst Adult Year Ever for real, meaty reading.  In reflecting upon this, I do think my job was a major factor. I read a lot for work. 

So this year I hope to read a lot more books for just plain fun. :) 

Find my other reader's journals, and some good quotes, here. Happy reading!