Finn Climbs the Mountain

 Yesterday the weather was so beautiful, and a friend texted to see if Finn wanted to go for a hike early in the morning.  Yes! Sure! So he met up with a crew of parents and kids, and hiked to the top of the mountain that crowns our county, and then looked out over this.....

And the hiking was nice and all, but he said the highlight of the morning was walking back down the mountain and having a conversation with a friend of ours, who spent part of her growing up years in Mexico, and who is one of Finn's Spanish teachers. Of course, they had the conversation in Spanish! And of course, Finn loved this!

He just finished Honors French 2, on the heels of Spanish 2, and had a perfect and near-perfect score in each class.  

It's a big and beautiful world for our globally-minded boy.  I hope he gets to see every bit of it that he wants to see, and I hope he always finds his way back to the little house on the edge of the little farm--even if it's just for a quick slice of gingerbread and a cup of tea, and sitting on the porch enjoying the roses. 

Keep on climbing, Finn! 

The Sandbox

 Today I spent most of the day outside, which makes it the best kind of day in my book!  The weather was mild enough for gardening, so I worked on a project that I have needed to conquer for years--pulling the wire grass out of my children's old sandbox. I was feeling quite sentimental while doing that today. I was envisioning Finn when we built it for him, as a birthday present. He was 3. He loved flags, and so my husband included a flower bed to the side with a flagpole centered in the middle.  Finn sat and played in that sandbox for hours, and ran the flag up and down the pole dozens of times. While I was pregnant with Annie and constantly nauseated, I remember him sitting there playing happily while I sat, open and unread book on my lap, and tried to just stare at one thing in order to fight the nausea. Later, when she was a toddler, they would play in the sandbox together.  That's where they learned certain rules of etiquette, like: don't throw sand.  And share your toys!

A little while later, my husband decided to build a play set for our children.  He designed it himself.  Two swings, one slide, and a very cool "clubhouse" that was centered over the sandbox. Slowly, the sandbox fell out of favor because the swings and slide and clubhouse above were so appealing.  Slowly, I allowed the wire grass to invade it, thinking I'll get around to pulling the weeds sometime....

That time was finally today.  Now the sandbox is actually a sandbox again; there was plenty of sand beneath all that grass! It's cleared-out.  While I was working I thought I would add some soil and plant grape hyacinths in it. Then I pondered grape hyacinths and Siberian irises.  Then I considered lavender.  Now that it's all cleaned out, though, I have to say I feel so sentimental. It's a sandbox again. It's the same sandbox, the same sand, where my children sat and played, their tiny little voices chattering and giggling.  Looking at it gives me a pang of sentimentality that I didn't expect.  I don't know: am I ready to say goodbye to that sandbox?  Am I ready to plant it with flowers and usher it into a new role in our lives?  

Finn turns 14 in a few months.  It has been 11 years since he was that little 3 year old, enchanted by a flagpole and driving his trucks through his sandbox.  In less than 2 years he will be allowed to drive a car.  I remember when he turned 5, I cried because he seemed so old!  5 was the age a child went to school!  I try not to think too hard about the passage of time because it is so bittersweet.  My children are supposed to grow up. I want them to grow up!  And yet, when I stop to think about it, or to look at the sand in that sandbox, my heart cracks just a little bit. Sometimes it cracks a lot.

When Finn turned 10 I made a video collage of photos for him set to music--Dar Williams' song "The One Who Knows."  He and I sat and watched it and cried our eyes out.  (Annie and my husband laughed at us.)  But oh, this song makes me cry. 

Sometimes I will ask the moon

where it shined up you last

and shake my head and laugh and say

it all went by so fast.

I have tried hard over the years to be present for and with my children. I mean, I homeschool them!  I'm with them pretty much all the time!  I've tried to observe them, to pause and enjoy little moments every day, to treasure up the tiny things (like how I am sitting right now watching Annie engrossed in a book, so intently reading, and so expressive--something big must be happening! Oh, now she's laughing...it must be something funny...).  Even so, the truth is--it all goes by so fast. 

What shall I plant in that sandbox? Or should I even try to replace it with anything?

 Because right now it just holds my memories, and they are so precious to me. 

Slippers and Ribbons

Oh, how time flies!

Annie is about to start her fourth year of studying classical ballet (and her fifth year of ballet--but the first year was just with a casual class), and we learned last weekend that she is now wearing split sole slippers and--notably--using ribbons on her shoes. This is a little ballet rite of passage!  

Annie is graceful, focused, and not afraid of hard work.  She has adored ballet since she was a toddler; I recall her sitting entranced in front of Swan Lake.  She was only about four years old when she began to want to pursue ballet, and she pursued it with a single-minded seriousness that seemed much older than her years.  I have no idea how long she will study ballet, but I appreciate the character qualities that ballet instills in its students.  They must dress appropriately (uniform, hair in ballet bun, hair net, the correct tights and shoes). They learn to curtsy and thank their teacher at the end of class.  They must exercise discipline in their movements and behaviors.  They do not wear jewelry or nail polish to class. The qualities of tidiness, discipline, and courtesy are all excellent traits to cultivate, whether one dances for years or not.

It's just that she is growing so quickly....

Oh time.  Slow down a little bit, for my sake!

Social Media and Cell Phones

I reflect uneasily and often on the culture my children are growing up in right now. I'm not talking about the big news stories, actually, which are issues enough to manage in themselves; I'm just talking about technology.

Technology can be a great blessing.  And yet it can also be a terrible distraction.

Lately I've been trying to puzzle this out.  My sister has been texting me a lot, so I feel I've been on my phone a ton, because I want to be available to her. (She just closed on her first-ever home on Friday!  I helped her with house-hunting, financing details, insurance coverage, inspection report, and a million other little details.)  She is unmarried, and so in many ways I'm her support person. ;) 

And then there's social media. Instagram. Facebook.  Those are the only two things I do, but that's enough, and some days I am tempted to just get rid of it all and see what life would look and feel like.  It's a double-edged sword: on the one hand, I like the connection it can provide.  On the other hand, sometimes the connection is pretty tenuous and superficial.  On the other hand again, sometimes the connection leads to genuine help and encouragement. 

And there's a dark underbelly of social media, too: the combination of negativity plus the distraction/addiction that it can provide.  (Facebook was designed to be addictive!)

I am the type of person who loves meaningful interactions and conversations.  Interestingly, my best friends, most of whom do not live locally (only a couple do), are not really my social media friends at all.  I just prefer in-person discussions, deeper connections.  I think most of us do, when we step back and think about it.

And always underlying my analysis of this is the reality that my children, with every second of every day, are getting older.  Finn is a teenager now!  Annie is nine and a half!  I wonder how much time I have spent of their childhood distracted--?  I only got a iphone 2 years ago (right before my husband's surgery, because I knew that I'd need fast and easy communication with multiple people), but lo, that is a distracting device.  Before that, I found myself easily distracted by my ipod and even the laptop!  I keep notifications off on my iphone, do not have the Facebook app, and have it always turned off (so I don't hear any bells or dings), but it's still extremely distracting.  

When you are in the room with someone and they are on their phone--texting, scrolling, etc.--it can be so annoying.  And I think for children in particular, this must be particularly annoying, when their parent is on the phone.  Sometimes I will say "just a moment while I reply to this text" and I KNOW I am doing something helpful (communicating with another person about something--often something important, but admittedly, sometimes not), but my child has no idea.  They are not part of that. I don't want my children to recall me as someone who was so easily distracted by her phone/laptop/etc.

So where does that leave us?

I need to begin to pray for guidance on this. 

(A few years ago our internet quit working, and I didn't have a cell phone. I took our laptop to the coffee shop to answer emails 1-2x per week, and it was the best couple of weeks EVER! I loved it!  I asked my husband if we could just not fix the internet, but he thought that was unrealistic--because, given our situation, it really is. But I loved it.)

I'd love to hear what anyone else thinks/does about this pervasive cultural issue that doesn't look like it's going away anytime soon. How do we balance the people in front of us with the people behind the screen, especially when the people in both scenarios mean something to us? And how do we manage social media?  Do I just pretend that I don't have internet except for twice a week?!

It's a challenge for sure. 

Healing Homeschool Burnout

Over the past couple of months I haven't written much here, but when I have written, I've mentioned how strangely difficult things have been for me.  One of the issues I faced was that for the first time in my life, I felt burned-out from homeschooling. It was only the beginning of the schoolyear and I did not want to homeschool!! The very idea of it exhausted me and the thought of all of the activities I had to manage panicked me. 

I had to dive deeply into the root of it and think about what is going on, and what the solution is.  

As October comes to a close, I'm grateful to say that I think the storm has passed.  

This year I didn't take much of a summer break (my first mistake).  We also added more activities than ever, but they are things we genuinely value that I cannot teach--piano, violin, ballet, robotics, Spanish, and French, plus our weekly co-op.  (If you're wondering about the Spanish and French, it's because Finn has studied French for a few years and wants to add Spanish--so we did.  This is completely self-motivated.)

Once August arrived and I was surveying what our weekly schedule would look like, I got totally overwhelmed.  And we were also chasing down some physical symptoms so I was having medical tests done, which was distracting.  I simply wanted to organize closets and mulch flower beds, not teach math.  I remember sitting down with my husband a few weeks ago and saying I just don't know what's wrong with me--I cannot get my head in the game this year!!

He laughed. He loves sports analogies. 

I got some advice, prayed, got more advice, prayed more, journaled, and tried to slowly get to the root of my issues.  I don't want to homeschool solely out of a sense of duty, lacking joy in the journey.  I'm an enthusiastic, joyful person....but I wasn't feeling that at all.  So I took it seriously that I needed to heal this burnout.

One morning I was reminded of this verse from Hebrews:

"...let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us..." -Hebrews 12:1

And I thought of how burdened I had allowed myself to be with expectations and distractions. I felt it was the nudge of the Holy Spirit to get me to consider what weights and sins were getting in the way of my patience and my "race."  Once I began to analyze this, everything started to fall into place. 

Here are the things that helped me:

1. I wrote already about simplifying, praying, and leaning on God. When I try to do everything myself, without spending time in thoughtful reading and thinking/prayer each day, my life unravels. So that's the first thing. 2 Corinthians 12:9. 

2. I went back to outsourcing a few things.  I use grocery pick-up at Kroger and Sam's Club, and organize those pick-ups after a day of errands. I am (admittedly) using some convenience foods for lunch sometimes--I have used an organic boxed macaroni and cheese, and a frozen organic pizza.  We don't do this daily, but sometimes it is helpful to have a convenience food on hand! And I've already mentioned that I have some help with housework.  What a blessing. I know I will not have housework help forever, and I still have plenty of housework to do on my own, but for now, I'm grateful for it.  

3. I went back to my practice of keeping a reasonable stock of freezer meals ready to to be baked or tossed in the crockpot.  This is so, so helpful for me on busy days.  We are frugal and health-conscious, and doing this saves money and ensures that we have quick, healthy foods to eat.

4. I decided to pick my top 3 priorities every day and focus on doing those things.  And I tried to let everything else go.  If other things fit into my day, then great! But if not, that's okay: I try to get those 3 things done, and that's it.  This will look different for everyone, but for me my daily top 3 priorities are: homeschooling/children's educational activities, Bible reading/journaling/praying/writing (these I lump together because they take different forms on different days, but it's the same idea: quiet time!), and exercise.  Most days I try to add in violin practice also. 

5.  I gave myself permission to relax. A hot bath at the end of the day.  A few minutes on the front porch with a book.  Puttering in my sewing room.  Cuddling with a child. It's all so simple, but when I get overwhelmed, I want to do more and not less!  But I need to relax. 

6. I began limiting social media consumption that showed pictures of people's gorgeously-decorated homes.  Sometimes this is fun.  Sometimes it is demoralizing. :)  

7.  I decided that even if I didn't have time to deeply organize various area of my house--I love to organize--I would create tidy piles and make peace with them, knowing I will get to them eventually. 

8. This goes along with #4, but I began to be sure to be alone inside my head every day. An extrovert might need to talk on the phone with someone else, but for me, I need to read, think, and process.  Having the mental space to do this for a while each day is essential to me. 

9. I began reading books that aren't telling me how to be better at anything. I am a lover of non-fiction, and I always want to improve.  So a lot of my reading is focused on improvement: homemaking, homeschooling, health, faith, finances, etc.  But I also need to read books for the sheer pleasure of reading!  Fiction and poetry are the answers for me. I love to relax with a chapter of fiction and a few poems at the end of the day. It's the pause that refreshes!

10.  I created a checklist for each of my children's schoolwork and we are following it each day.  As it turns out, Finn and I both have personalities which do not like open-ended situations.  He wants a list.  He wants to know what to do.  He likes the feeling of getting things done. And so do I! At 12, Finn would rather spend hours doing schoolwork than having a "free day."  (Is this strange? I am not sure! He is my oldest, so I never know....) We implement it with flexibility, and I approach it with my usual minimalist mindset, but this has helped us both tremendously.  Having a written guide for the week's work is comforting for me right now! It makes me feel MUCH less overwhelmed than having a more open-ended approach to schooling. 

*      *      * 

We aren't going to quit our activities; we like and value them each too much. I have had seasons in life when we have needed to put activities on pause, but I had the strong sense that this was not one of those seasons.  For me, healing burnout has required focusing on my top priorities, keeping meals and routines simple, relaxing a little bit each day, and creating  more structure (although not more subjects!) in our homeschool day.

After a couple of difficult months, I finally feel like I've healed.  My enthusiasm and delight are back, and I don't feel overwhelmed and exhausted.  I think I'm back to running the race with patience--not with speed, or my own strength, or impatience--but with grace and a steady pace.  

The Key to Informal Learning: Have a Mentor at Hand

Most of our learning this year so far has been of the "informal" variety, due to the unique circumstances in which we found ourselves: living hours from home for 7 weeks while dealing with daily radiation, weekly chemo, and the fallout and difficulties that those cancer treatments caused. And then we moved home, and continued the informal learning, because the post-radiation healing process does not happen overnight. 

In spite of our nontraditional approach, our children are thriving.  Annie is reading more and more, the kids are both writing a lot, Finn is working very hard at learning French via a curriculum and a tutor (his goal? fluency by age 13...we'll see how that goes!), math is getting done. We have read about pilgrims, ancient Syrians, seeds, bees, ladybugs. We've read Frances Hodgson Burnett, J.K. Rowling, Laura Ingalls Wilder, and plenty of picture books. The children spent an entire day digging an enormous hole in the garden, trying to get it large enough to fit them both (as a hiding place!) and doing the measuring and calculating required to figure that out.  Annie has learned to wash dishes and Finn is cooking. Annie opened a "Fixing Shop" where she charges money to fix broken things (so far she is pulling in a nice income taping up books that need help!).  They both spend hours playing outside at an elaborate invisible road system they created--Annie pushes a play shopping cart and Finn drives a wheelbarrow.  Annie has done a bit of sewing.  In short, learning is happening.  

For anyone else who finds themselves in similar circumstances, here are some quotes that help give guidance during times of "informal learning"....it's all about home culture and an attentive mentor!

*                     *                    * 

"The culture of the home has to be one which arouses intellectual curiosity and facilitates learning.  Children need to have learning opportunities and materials available.  Most of all they need a mentor at hand who sets the tone of activities and is there to interact and ask questions."

and 

"The parent is as indispensable for informal as for more formally organized teaching and learning.  The child has to acquire knowledge about the culture from the parent who has to play an active role in transmitting or mediating it. How do 'informal' parents do this? Partly by cottoning on to what the child is interested in and extending it, and partly by suggesting things the child might be interested in and seeing if they are taken up."

and 

"An interesting feature of informal learning is that children are not faced with having to try to digest new knowledge which does not fit into or extend what they already know or does not arouse their curiosity or motivation."

and, finally, 

"The converse of [not forcing a child to learn something before he or she is ready] is that parents can really capitalize when children do 'switch on' their attention.  They are much more likely to be in the 'zone of proximal development' and therefore profit from attending.  That is also why parents, especially those who use more informal methods, have constantly to 'keep their antennae out,' as one described it." 

--from Educating Children at Home, by Alan Thomas (emphasis added) 

Children and Chores

This post is a follow-up to the post I wrote on Monday about the habit of daily chores.  When I wrote that post, I included a section on chores and children, but then realized I had too much to write, and needed to allow "children and chores" to be its own post!

Unfortunately the word "chores" often has negative connotations.  I once heard a parenting guru say that in her household, she never had her children to chores because she considered it too coercive.  Her line of thinking appeared to run along the lines of: I want my house clean, but I don't need to burden my children with that, and I can't do it all, so if I can't manage it, I'll reconcile myself with living with chores undone. She wanted to give her children choices, including the choice to say no to doing chores.

I considered this for a couple of weeks, letting my children off the hook while I thought through her perspective.  I finally rejected it soundly and comfortably as a principle that simply isn't right for our family.

First of all, I think chores are beneficial because they are a vehicle for teaching self-discipline.  And self-discipline, or self-governance, is a quality that I consider essential.  

There are a couple of things I repeat to my children often.  One is that there is no substitute for hard work.  No matter how gifted or talented you are, no matter how lucky you seem to be, no matter how wealthy or privileged you are, at the end of the day I believe there is no substitute for simply getting down to business and working hard. 

The other thing I repeat often is "the best thing you can learn to tell yourself is NO." My children giggle when I demonstrate this point by pretending to talk to myself ("But I want to eat five doughnuts for dinner tonight!" "NO!" or "But I want to take all month off from washing the dishes!" "NO"!).  My children see the humor in the things I want to do, but they also see how doing those things--not saying "no" to myself--could cause serious repercussions. 

Second, chores teach children skills and give them training in running a household. Don't scoff!  As someone who was NOT trained in this way at all, I can attest to the enormous struggle it takes to learn how to manage a home from scratch. I barely knew how to do anything when I got married.  I once famously went to blend vichyssoise soup and didn't realize you have to put a lid on the blender.  True story.  The learning curve was steep for me, and I want my children to learn these skills at a much earlier age. 

Third, they help the child feel helpful!  Children love to be helpful.  If we are rude or unkind or weigh them down with far too many chores, they'll lose the desire to help. (I also think it's essential to say "thank you!" when they do their chores well.)  But it just feels good to know you're helping out.  People like to feel like they have something to contribute.  Self-efficacy is important in the development of a healthy human. 

Finally, they teach teamwork.  I don't hand my children a list of chores and then dash of to eat truffles in front of the television.  They see me working hard, and they know their hard work contributes to the well-being of our entire family.  We work as a team to accomplish our goals and meet needs around the house.  

Now if you have a rosy picture of children who thank me every day for giving them chores and do their long list of chores with a happy heart, please don't be deceived.  We are a real family!  But I do see that my children are growing into helpful people who often work on their own accord.  My son helped me unload plants out of the car tonight without my asking him, and my daughter cleaned her bathroom yesterday just because she felt like it.  Do they sometimes groan and resist their chores?  Sure.  But I just respond kindly and firmly, and they know the expectations we have.

We also change things depending on our family's needs and the season.  My children don't do the exact same chores all year round.

Motherhood can feel overwhelming at times because the tasks truly never end.  There is always laundry to wash, there are meals to make, there are messes to clean up.  I'm a proponent of getting children on board with these chores because children are genuinely helpful--just don't expect too much too soon. It takes time to learn to do chores, and some children are absent-minded while others are on top of things (I have one of each in my household), but both types of children can learn to do chores and help out around the house. And believe me when I say that if your children know how to tidy the living room, clean the bathroom, and take out the trash, your life will feel more manageable! 

My Daily Dozen: Spending Time with my Children

Today I want to continue with the theme of the habits I try to use as the scaffolding for my life. The first habits I wrote about (rest, eating well, exercise, fresh air) are all focused on gaining and maintaining physical health.

Now I'm moving into some habits that are important because they help maintain healthy relationships.  Healthy relationships are vital!  Have you watched this Ted Talk?  I was fascinated by it!  In essence, relationships are even more important than exercise!  I recently read The Blue Zone,  a book that probably deserves a whole post of its own, and it reaches a similar conclusion on the importance of relationships. 

So first I wrote about the habit of daily Bible reading and prayer, which cultivates the relationship with God.  Today I want to write about fostering relationships with my children. 

My own situation is that my children still live at home with me, so I (happily!) get to see them every day.  It's important to me, as someone who spends so much time with my children, to make sure I'm not taking it too much for granted.  I know that the years fly by quickly. So here are a few basic things I try to do each day:

*Give a kind greeting in the morning: snuggles, kisses, hugs, happy words. I want my children to begin every day knowing that I'm happy to see them!  Fortunately my children sleep until about 7:30-8:00 each day, so I have ample time to get up, exercise, and drink a little coffee so I'm awake enough to be cheerful. But even on rarer occasions when I sleep in and someone crawls into bed with me I try to be sleepily kind and happy to see them!

*Read aloud each day.  Reading aloud my be my parenting "love language," if such a thing exists.  There are few things I love more than sitting together in a cozy place and sharing books with my children.  This is one of those sticking points that seems to keep me away from traditional "schooling" at home: I want to be sure we have enough time to read together each day.  My ideal is Bible at breakfast, something at lunch (today it was history and Aesop's fables), a novel in the afternoon (we just finished Charlotte's Web for the millionth time and are about to finish The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe for the second time. If we spend too much time diagramming sentences, for instance, there's less time for reading aloud.  And reading aloud means so much to me.

*Give them my undivided attention for a period of time each day.  This is not easy in the course of a busy life, but it makes a world of difference from the child's perspective. "Look at this!" or "look at me!" or "see what I can do!".....these are things that matter to the child.  I try to be mindful about pausing to make eye contact, genuinely listen to a story, answer questions thoughtfully, and so on. Annie craves someone to play with, and it means the world to her when I spend half an hour just playing with her!  Finn wants someone to talk to, to listen to his ideas, and answer his crazy inquisitive questions, and it means so much to him when I do this.  They both love for me to play soccer with them or act silly with them or do a craft with them.  It's hard for me to pause my to-do list and do these things because I love to Get Things Done, but these "invisible" things are among the most important things of all.

*Bless them with a kind tuck-in at night.  This is the hardest one of all for me. I am usually so very tired by the end of the day that I just want a quiet house and a warm bed!  But it's important for my children to feel loved, secure, and happy as they fall asleep, so I take the time to pray over each of them, give kisses, and sometimes answer Deep Questions or discuss issues that have arisen during the day.  Half the time I'm ready to bolt for a hot bath and a book but I do try to be patient and kind and make bedtime pleasant.

*                *               * 

Finn turns 11 (!!!) this summer, and Annie just tuned 7. As my father likes to say "time nor tide waits for no man".....so it's important to spend the time wisely.  My best friend has told me that she doesn't regret the years her daughter (now in her mid-twenties) was little because Allison genuinely tried to *be* with her daughter and take full advantage of those years.  I love this and am inspired by it.

So those four acts are the basic daily things I try to do to make sure I'm fostering a loving relationship with my children.  There are loads of other things we do, too, and homeschooling provides constant access to each other.  It's just so easy to become too distracted! So for me a sweet wake-up, a read-aloud session (or three), some undivided attention, and a kind tuck-in at night are all habits that reorient me away from the distractions and back to investing in the hearts and minds of our children.  They need that, and so do I.  

Learning for the Little Kids

I was thinking about learning for the little kids today after reading a question from a mother trying to implement a curriculum for her 8 year old and 6 year old while also managing a 3 year old and a baby. She felt weary and overwhelmed.  I get it; I've been there. Although my children are only 10 and 6, here's what I've learned so far:

*With little children, we have to remember that they'll be with us for a long time.  There are years and years ahead of us, God willing, when we can enjoy learning together.  A six year old does not need much formal schoolwork. I think the basic scaffolding through the elementary years should be reading lessons (and then reading, once the child is able), copywork/handwriting, some form of writing (even if it's oral narrations), and math.  Then lovely things such as nature walks, drawing, playing, baking, picture books, nursery rhymes, songs, et cetera, can fill in the rest of the day.  Chores are just as important as academics.

*Habits are essential.  Develop peaceful and predictable routines (not necessarily schedules) for morning and evening, and have basic times for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Work together. Cultivate kindness.  If a child is a math whiz but can't get along with other human beings, who cares how great he is at math? Kindness is a habit!

*Do what's sustainable.  If you are committed to homeschooling, do what needs to be done to prevent burnout.  Simplify, consolidate, prioritize.  Figure out what works for your personality and do that.  Some mothers need daily structure and checklists; others need flexibility and spontaneity.  Lots of us are in between. But don't try to fit a round peg into a square hole.  Know yourself!

*Talk to your children.  Don't just answer their questions in a perfunctory way while staring at a device; really look into their eyes and speak to them.  Answer their questions with counter-questions.  Try to puzzle out answers together.  Finn and I were recently puzzling out a question.  I asked him how he could discover the answer.  We talked about finding a professional in the field, reading the encyclopedia, going to the library.  He noted that he didn't want to Google it because that made it too easy.  Good point!

*Read books. Of course!  Want your children to learn how to write?  Let them read great books.  Trust me, it works.  It also teaches them vocabulary.  But more than anything else, reading together is just plain fun.

That's all I know.  Check back in 10 years for the Big Kids version.  :)

Camp Whatchamacallit

So my bestie Allison and I have hatched a plan! She was visiting yesterday--she lives out of the state--and she latched onto a passing comment I'd texted to her a few days ago about having our own "camp" here on our farm.  She loved this idea and as we talked about it, we realized it's completely feasible. 

So we're working on dates for our yet-unnamed camp (aka, Camp Whatchamacallit), which will include her son (age 7), Finn (10), and Annie (6).  

Our brainstorm list takes up nearly a whole page in my planner already.  We'll have homemade camp t-shirts, crafts, a nature hike with a botany and butterfly and bird expert (my father-in-law!), fossil-hunting with a mountain man (my brother-in-law!), pool time, kayaking on the lake, archery, BB gun, morning and evening devotions, a camp Bible verse to memorize, a service project, camp songs, a hymn to memorize, S'mores......what wonderful memories we will make!

God's Grace to Me

Finn turned 10 today. Ten. We celebrated with a chilly afternoon at the pool, Thai food, a chocolate chip skillet cookie in lieu of cake, gifts, and maybe best of all, a movie of photos set to music (Dar Williams' "The One Who Knows") and ending with one of my favorite quotes.*

I hadn't anticipated Finn's reaction to the video.  Oh, his tears.  Oh, the way he buried his face in my shoulder.  Oh, the way it lasted and lasted. My sweet boy.  He loved it.  

And we love him. 

Truly, thanks be to God for this decade of our lives.

*From Gilead, by Marilynne Robinson: 

"I'm writing this in part to tell you that if you ever wonder what you've done in your life, and everyone does wonder sooner or later, you have been God's grace to me, a miracle, something more than a miracle."

Grandma's Necklaces, and a Revised Post on Parenting

Back in January I was visiting my grandfather and he encouraged me to go into my grandmother's closet and see if there's anything I wanted. I've done this before, but this time I noticed her costume necklaces. 

First of all: this woman didn't do Pinterest, but look how cleverly she rigged this coat hanger up to keep the necklaces separate.  She often created clever, inexpensive little "fixes" for problems like this.  I have always admired that quality!

Second, as I examined these sweet little necklaces I realized I had ten of them.  And there are five great-granddaughters in the family.  Viola!  I took them home, and last month I wrapped them up and sent them to each great-granddaughter.  Annie helped me pick who gets what.  She's the oldest of the great-granddaughters; the other girls are 6, 5, 4, and 1.  It was fun for us to choose the necklaces, then wrap them carefully in tissue paper and send them to their new homes.  They have no monetary value--their value is only sentimental.  But perhaps the little girls will enjoy having a few "fancy" necklaces from the lady I love so much.  

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Also, I revised a post I wrote ages ago on parenting.  We learn as we go, don't we?  And my revisions reflect that, I think. My tone was too didactic.  And honestly, I think I was wrong about a couple of things. The basic ideas are the same, but this reflects my shifted perspective.  For the revised post, look here.  

Darkness Isn't Dark

I wrote this over six years ago,...when Finn was two, and before Annie was born!

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I've thought a lot about childrearing over the past two years, and lately I've thought mostly about perspectives.  How we see our children, and how we perceive their personalities, gifts, and weaknesses.  The times I have been most grateful as a parent, sort of emotionally prostrate before God with thanks, have often been the times when I have been face-to-face with my son's special challenges.

It seems that the way we see our children makes an enormous difference in how we treat them and in how they develop.  Are they a blessing?  Do we harp on their cannots, without embracing their cans? Do we try to fit square pegs into round holes? Do we care too much about what other people--even total strangers--think about our children?  Do we expect the right things?  At the right times?  Are we concerned with building relationships, not just getting behavioral results? Do we see a disability, or just a difference? Do we allow our paradigms to be shifted?

God was good to us.  He gave us a child who is unusual in certain respects. He gave us a child who may see the world differently than we do.  Who has some unique challenges, but also might have some interesting gifts.  We want to be sure he can function well as he ages, but that he never loses that him-ness. A few months ago we had to sit down and think hard about the fact that Finn is probably not a typical child.  And that's where the shift comes in--the shift that asks, what's typical? what's normal? what do those things truly mean?  could this be a good thing--even a great thing?

Rather than seeing all of this as something to be defeated, or worse, something to be mourned, it evolved into something else for me.  Opportunity.  A new way of seeing things.  For me, it has included unspeakable joy.

I'm an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.

You know everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence. This is too much, too wonderful--I can't take it all in!

Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark! 
At night I'm immersed in the light!" 

It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.

--From Psalm 139, in The Message

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When I wrote those words I had no idea what the future held.  We had mixed messages from various professionals on Finn's potential and future. Through it all I never wavered; I knew Finn was special.

Nearly seven years later he is unfolding each day in to the person he was created to be, and it's my particular joy to witness this.  Finn has a gift for art; he spends a lot of time drawing or sketching.  He plays piano frequently (and well).  He has an amazing knack for voices and for understanding how to design things.  He loves theatrical sets and set design.  He reads Shakespeare. He reads everything.  He is hilarious and witty and so very sweet. He has a soft spot for me.  He struggles with basic math facts, but can understand complex mathematical concepts.  His sense of humor is sharp. 

If you have a child who is atypical, I encourage you to look at them through the lens of possibility and not limitation.  Their diagnosed "weakness" may be their greatest strengths.  Look for what they love and do the most and encourage them.  Nothing is too large for God, who has even said that His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  He created our children; we just have the privilege of coming alongside of Him to facilitate and witness.  

(A noble lion Finn drew this summer. Of course we named him Aslan.) 

What Gets Passed Along

"A mother can read all the child-rearing books and can subscribe to any theory of parenting, but what gets passed along to her children is something far more intimate and mysterious than anything contained therein.  What gets passed along is her character, and it enters into her kids as surely and as inexorably as water flows from a fuller vessel into a less-full one."
                                   --Laurence Shames

Enjoying Our Children

Today is my grandmother's 90th birthday.  She died last August, and today I took my grandfather a Mason jar of daffodils and a few brownies. The view down through our valley was glorious. She always loved this view! (She lived on the hill above us; we live down in the valley. This is what life looks like from our deck.)

My grandmother had wonderful advice on child-rearing for me.  She was an immaculate housekeeper with a keen attention to every detail of domestic life. Once she called me when Finn was a baby and said, in response to my sigh about the condition of my house, "if you have young children and a perfect house, you're not doing your job."

I never would have expected that from her, and it was so liberating--I am a natural perfectionist, and I needed this sage reminder. 

Another time when Finn was around two we were visiting her and he started to put up a fuss about something and defy me.  "Oh!" she exclaimed happily, "he is independent and has a mind of his own! That's what you want, you know!"  Since she had raised three children who turned out to be great adults, I decided to look at his two-year-old self with new eyes: he was developing a mind of his own.  Yes, that is a good thing!

 (My aunt recently told me that when her daughters were teenagers and would gripe about not being allowed to do things their way, my aunt would say "you are so right...this is great, you're preparing yourself for living independently and on your own, and you have your own ideas about how you want things to be done. For now, you're here and have to do it this way, but I can see how ready you will be for your adulthood!")

And finally, after nearly every conversation we had about children and childrearing, she just said "you just want to enjoy your children...I enjoyed having children so much."  I think this is such wise advice in a day and age when we seem to take parenting so seriously, with a hyper-focus on the future--on training them for adulthood, for their educations, etc. 

 Since then I have thought of her words often.  I genuinely enjoy my children.  They are clever, hilarious, fun, caring, and thoughtful people.  I enjoy being with them every single day.*  I do not just love them; I genuinely like them.  Although its not a popular thing to say in Serious Parenting circles, my children are my friends!  And I enjoy them now.  I do think about their futures--who doesn't?--but I do not focus on that at the expense of today.  If losing my mother at a young age taught me anything, it was that today is a gift. 

To enjoy a child is to see the child for who he or she is right now, and to choose to relish that person....today.

(Yes, Annie is wearing red Dr. Seuss Chuck Taylors.  Oh yes. I enjoy her shoes immensely.)

*That's not to say that you can't look forward to bedtime or running off to the coffee shop for some silence, or that every single day is roses and sunshine....we are all human.  And some of us are introverts!

Surviving Church with Young Children

For some mothers (see me raising my hand?), Sunday is the day that makes us realize how badly we need a Savior.  Getting out of the door on time + nicely dressed is a miracle in itself, but for some of us that's just the start of the battle.

The rest of the battle is surviving worship.  

I realize that in this day and age many churches offer childcare facilities, which can be a huge boon.  Our church does not, and probably never will--and I'm happy about that!.  First of all, we're a tiny church.  Second of all, we see benefits in keeping children with parents during worship. The benefit, to my mind, is two-fold: 1) a child who has to sit through a service learns to sit through a service (the practical benefit)* and 2) the cohesiveness of family worship (the spiritual benefit). 

I am on the Other Side of this battle now.  My children are 8 and 5, so church is easy.  If we have additional children, I'll enter into the battle {clarification: the battle with my desire for perfectly-behaved children, NOT the battle with the children I do have!} wisely, knowing that ultimately it's worthwhile.  For me, church is hardest during the toddler years (1ish-3ish).  (Actually, for me, everything is hardest during the toddler years. I'm a baby person and a big kid person, but toddlers....let's just say it's a good thing they are so, so cute.) Now Finn spends the church service drawing and listening, reading prayers, and singing hymns--just like the rest of us!  Annie spends the service listening, drawing, playing, and snacking--our church hands out a small activity bag with a snack about 1/4 of the way through worship--and Annie devours those animal crackers with gusto. 

Here are the things that have helped me:

• Divide and conquer.  You can do this with 2-3 children; after that you have to get creative, although at that point you'll have enough older children so that they can set a decent example for the crazy toddlers.  For ages my husband and I sat with the children between us.  WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!  It wasn't until our Mennonite neighbors came to worship with us one Sunday, and sat with one child on either side of them, that it dawned on me: separating the children is smart!  Not only can my husband and I sit together, which is nice, but we can keep immature humans apart--immature humans who might fight over crayons, kick each other, steal toys, etc.  {Why is it that children who generally play so nicely together turn into stark raving lunatics during church?!} Things improved a lot once I separated our children.  Denying access to bickering goes a long way.

• Incentives.  You can call them bribes, but I am calling them incentives.  My husband's health insurance company offers an incentive for healthy behavior every year. Not a bribe.  Right?! Call them what you will, they work.  My favorite bribe incentive is to dangle the promise of a rare, alluring dessert over the child's head: the Reese's cup.  If I don't have to discipline you during the service, you get a Reese's cup on the way home. If I do, forget about it.  (This obviously only works for a child over the age of about 2.5ish. But it WORKS!)

• For toddlers: snacks on the spot, water, crayons, and quiet toys.  A pad of paper for scribbles, a few tiny soft toys, a board book or three.  I don't expect my child to sit at attention through the entire service, but I do expect that we'll get to the point of sitting quietly through by the age of 3-ish (depending on his/her maturity level).  Our church's habit of letting each child choose a "goody bag" after the children's sermon is so helpful--the children come back to the pew with a bulletin, crayons, a snack and a few quiet toys.  This is nice for people like me who tend to forget to bring all the Necessary Gear sometimes.

• Babies are the wild card here.  I had to take Finn out every Sunday as a baby because he has an auditory processing issue (we didn't know it at the time--but it was obvious that he was in pain when there was sudden laughter or a loud noise, and I wasn't keeping an unhappy baby in church!).  Annie was a content, easy baby; I often took her to the narthex and let her play at my feet while I listened to the sermon.  I never nursed my children in church, but others have and no one blinked an eye.  Cheerios were helpful for the older babies.  Just remember: it's only a year!

• A little fussing or brief correction is fine, but if someone starts to lose it, I take the child out of the service so that we don't disrupt others around us. I do not punish a child when we go out--we just go get a breather, a change of scenery, etc. In fact, I probably do this too liberally because I have had countless people tell me "you didn't have to take her out! she wasn't bothering anyone!" Our church is very child-friendly and they understand that the noises of children are part of our worship service.  (In fact, we are interviewing pastoral candidates right now, and as we listen to sermons we like hearing sounds of children....because we decided that any candidate we hire must be okay with children in the service.)  On those days when I have to take a child out--and it hasn't happened in a long time for me--I try to remember that this too shall pass.  And it does.  All too quickly, in retrospect.

*NOTE: Additional benefits to this are the fact that once a child can make it through church reliably, he or she can make it through any other service.  I have taken toddlers to funerals and weddings, and it's fine!  They are quiet and they understand that this time is not interminable, that snacks are plentiful, and that they can, in fact, be quiet.  This is golden!