Children and Chores

This post is a follow-up to the post I wrote on Monday about the habit of daily chores.  When I wrote that post, I included a section on chores and children, but then realized I had too much to write, and needed to allow "children and chores" to be its own post!

Unfortunately the word "chores" often has negative connotations.  I once heard a parenting guru say that in her household, she never had her children to chores because she considered it too coercive.  Her line of thinking appeared to run along the lines of: I want my house clean, but I don't need to burden my children with that, and I can't do it all, so if I can't manage it, I'll reconcile myself with living with chores undone. She wanted to give her children choices, including the choice to say no to doing chores.

I considered this for a couple of weeks, letting my children off the hook while I thought through her perspective.  I finally rejected it soundly and comfortably as a principle that simply isn't right for our family.

First of all, I think chores are beneficial because they are a vehicle for teaching self-discipline.  And self-discipline, or self-governance, is a quality that I consider essential.  

There are a couple of things I repeat to my children often.  One is that there is no substitute for hard work.  No matter how gifted or talented you are, no matter how lucky you seem to be, no matter how wealthy or privileged you are, at the end of the day I believe there is no substitute for simply getting down to business and working hard. 

The other thing I repeat often is "the best thing you can learn to tell yourself is NO." My children giggle when I demonstrate this point by pretending to talk to myself ("But I want to eat five doughnuts for dinner tonight!" "NO!" or "But I want to take all month off from washing the dishes!" "NO"!).  My children see the humor in the things I want to do, but they also see how doing those things--not saying "no" to myself--could cause serious repercussions. 

Second, chores teach children skills and give them training in running a household. Don't scoff!  As someone who was NOT trained in this way at all, I can attest to the enormous struggle it takes to learn how to manage a home from scratch. I barely knew how to do anything when I got married.  I once famously went to blend vichyssoise soup and didn't realize you have to put a lid on the blender.  True story.  The learning curve was steep for me, and I want my children to learn these skills at a much earlier age. 

Third, they help the child feel helpful!  Children love to be helpful.  If we are rude or unkind or weigh them down with far too many chores, they'll lose the desire to help. (I also think it's essential to say "thank you!" when they do their chores well.)  But it just feels good to know you're helping out.  People like to feel like they have something to contribute.  Self-efficacy is important in the development of a healthy human. 

Finally, they teach teamwork.  I don't hand my children a list of chores and then dash of to eat truffles in front of the television.  They see me working hard, and they know their hard work contributes to the well-being of our entire family.  We work as a team to accomplish our goals and meet needs around the house.  

Now if you have a rosy picture of children who thank me every day for giving them chores and do their long list of chores with a happy heart, please don't be deceived.  We are a real family!  But I do see that my children are growing into helpful people who often work on their own accord.  My son helped me unload plants out of the car tonight without my asking him, and my daughter cleaned her bathroom yesterday just because she felt like it.  Do they sometimes groan and resist their chores?  Sure.  But I just respond kindly and firmly, and they know the expectations we have.

We also change things depending on our family's needs and the season.  My children don't do the exact same chores all year round.

Motherhood can feel overwhelming at times because the tasks truly never end.  There is always laundry to wash, there are meals to make, there are messes to clean up.  I'm a proponent of getting children on board with these chores because children are genuinely helpful--just don't expect too much too soon. It takes time to learn to do chores, and some children are absent-minded while others are on top of things (I have one of each in my household), but both types of children can learn to do chores and help out around the house. And believe me when I say that if your children know how to tidy the living room, clean the bathroom, and take out the trash, your life will feel more manageable!