Giving Thanks

 "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  --1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Thanksgiving Eve has descended into these hills; it's dusky outside, and I can hear the occasional rifle fire (hunting season is upon us). Normally this day is spent doing cooking and baking prep ahead of our big gathering tomorrow: my husband's parents, siblings, niece and nephew, aunt, and cousins all get together at his parents' house for a huge meal, and we look forward to it all year long.  

Last Wednesday I began getting sick, and by Wednesday night I was Quite Sick.  Today is Day 8 for me of covid--my second covid infection of the year (the first was a very mild one in January).  Although I rarely catch even a cold, and I bounce back from illness fairly quickly, this virus has been protracted and difficult, with a whole host of unpleasant symptoms--although fortunately, none have been scary!  Just exhausting, lingering, and aggravating. And painful--my sinuses hurt!

We are not able to go to my in-laws' house tomorrow.  It's fine--I don't feel well enough to go right now, anyhow--but it's also hard.  You see, I didn't realize how the orphaned child within me longed to gather together with a family and have a normal-feeling holiday. I haven't had a normal holiday since last Thanksgiving. Every holiday since last Christmas has been clouded with the pain of the reality of my father's illness and his impending, inevitable death.  It has been a hard year. I miss the comfort of family gathering around food, without the specter of cancer overshadowing it all. I was looking forward to the happy conviviality of our Thanksgiving meal. 

After my Dad died, Annie asked me--are you an orphan now? I assured her that no, I am not an orphan.  Orphans are children! And I'm an adult. 

But the deeper truth is this: even though I'm an adult, and adults cannot be orphaned, I feel it.  My grandparents are all gone, and now both of my parents have died.  I'm so fortunate to have aunts and uncles, a stepmother, and in-laws who all love me in a similar way, as parents do.  But they're not my parents.  My actual parents are gone, and I did not realize how lonely that would make me feel, especially at holidays. There's something that existed that is now unraveled, a thing that can never be restored: mother, father, two daughters. I am not at all alone! I have my husband and children, my sister, and a lot of other relatives who love me.  But I still miss my parents. I still feel sad that they are no longer here with me.

I am thankful tonight for the 23 years I had with my mother and the nearly-45 years I had with my father.  I am thankful that although I have been sick, I believe I'm healing along an upward trajectory. I am thankful for sweet Allison for bringing potato-bacon soup to us this afternoon, to neighbor Kate for the elderberry syrup and chicken noodle soup, and to the inventor of the Neti Pot! :)

This too shall pass.  And we'll have our own little Thanksgiving here--not as elaborate, but still special.  Rejoice always.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends!