On Children, Cancer, and Loss

This autumn has flown by--I realized yesterday that we are already 8 weeks into the season.  "Where the time does go?" to quote Annie's Venezuelan ballet instructor. :)

Here's something that many people in my life have asked about, and that I thought it would be useful to write about: how we handled talking to our children about my father's terminal cancer diagnosis. This year I've seen my children make sacrifices that are not asked of most people their ages.  I've seen them watch their grandfather go from healthy to extremely sick.  And they handled it beautifully.*

Here's what I think helped.

1) Being transparent. Over the course of the year I had several people ask in hushed tones do your children know it's terminal? That question always took me by surprise.  Why in the world would I not tell my children the truth about the fact that my father would die soon?  Why would I set them up for a shock like that? From the beginning, when he was diagnosed in January, I made it clear to Annie and Finn that he would not outlive the cancer.  They understood that all of our traveling this year--and it has been significant--and all the sacrifices they've made--also significant--were occurring because the clock was swiftly ticking down on my Dad's life.  We had hoped he'd survive a year past diagnosis; he survived almost exactly eight months.  In those eight months we packed in so much time together.  

My father died at 6am, and my husband was at work.  I wanted to tell Annie and Finn the news myself, via Facetime, but I wanted my husband to be home.  When they were all gathered on the sofa together that afternoon, I said "I have good news and I have bad news, and it is the same news.  Pa graduated to heaven today.  It's bad news for us because we will miss him so much, but it's good news for him because he's with God." And my children did not actually cry during that Facetime call--or after, from what I've heard.  They *got it.* They were sad, but they expected it (when I went to Charleston that last time, I knew I would not come home while my father was still alive).  They were well-prepared.  We all were.

Being transparent also depends on the age of the child. I would argue that transparency is essential at any age, but of course a 3-year-old will have a totally different comprehension of a situation than a 16-year-old will.  Put it into the terms they can understand. I am not an advocate of scaring children with the harsh realities of the world (yes, I lean to the side of sheltering, and I am convinced that my children are more emotionally secure as a result).  But when a situation is personal to them, such as the illness or death of a loved one, it's important to be frank and open to answering questions.  

2) Focus on what matters most.  I neglected many housekeeping tasks in my own home over the past months, but I made it my business to not neglect my children's hearts.  Talking through their questions or heart issues took total precedence. I also prioritized my own health (sleep, some exercise, nutrition, no overwork) because that makes me more capable of taking care of their needs.  Annie and Finn are what you might call "well-adjusted" as a result of this. Ignore the non-essentials in life (the closets and the gardening will have their day eventually!) but never neglect or ignore a child's heart.  

3) Do little things as you can to bring joy into life.  A croissant from the bakery, a day trip to an interesting spot, cuddles on the sofa, a movie night with blankets....during a really hard time you cannot plan *big stuff* like trips. So just do sweet, tiny things and know that they're enough.  They are!

4) If you're a believer, be sure they understand what death is.  Again, this is one of those topics that must be handled in an age-appropriate manner.  My children understand that death is inevitable for us all, but also that God didn't create us for death (which is why, as the writer of Ecclesiastes says, He "set eternity in the hearts of man").  They understand that this world is not the only thing, and that death is the end of one thing and the beginning of another.  They are sure to have lots of questions.  Don't interpret these as "doubts" and don't be afraid of them.  I always tell my children that I'm so pleased that they're asking good questions, because that's the first step in getting good answers.  You don't have to be a theologian to answer their questions well. Just do your best, ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you, and trust. My children understand that death is a mystery (1 Corinthians 15:51-55) and that we shall all be changed at the moment of death.  Having witnessed death myself more than once, I can assure them that this is absolutely true. 

5) Pray for guidance, pray continually, pray without ceasing!  The Holy Spirit will help guide you and give you words and direction when you don't know what to say or do.  

*Note that the death of a grandparent is quite different than the death of a parent.  Although I think these 5 suggestions are applicable when a parent has a terminal illness, I know for sure that that situation is much harder for children.  Trust that Romans 8:28 is true, and do whatever is necessary to help a child grieve and heal.