My Daily Dozen: Prioritizing Marriage

The first four habits I use as the scaffolding for my days in this season of life are physical: rest, eating well, exercise, and fresh air.  

Now I'm talking about prioritizing relationships. I wrote about Bible reading and prayer, and last week I wrote about spending time with my children.  Today I want to write about spending time with my husband.

(If you have seen my Instagram you will know that this was Easter Sunday, and my husband apologized to me that day for not having time to shave [Easter is crazy for us with church services, family dinner, etc!].  So this is his mountain man look..but there was no need to apologize.  This guy had cancer earlier this year...do you really think I care if he shaves?!  Let's remember what Really Matters in life!)

As a married person I believe that prioritizing my husband is important.  After all, we were married for years before we had children (nearly eight, in our case!) and, God willing, will be married for years after our children leave the nest.  During this busy season of life it's not easy to make time for each other, but I try to keep this at the forefront of my mind and heart.  What it looks like differs from person to person and couple to couple, and I don't think there's a "right" way to do it. 

I've read that married couples must have weekly "date nights" in order to keep their relationship strong.  We have never managed this or even tried to do this, and it hasn't negatively impacted us at all. I think that's because we just invest in our marriage every day in tiny ways.  But every couple is different, and perhaps for some people a weekly date night is essential. 

Some couples also spend time together each evening after their children are in bed.  But we don't usually, at least not on weeknights!  Our children go to bed around 9-9:30, and I get up around 6:30, and my husband is often up by 4:30. By the time everyone is tucked in and the house is quiet, my husband is fast asleep (he's almost always asleep before the children) and I'm on my way to a hot bath and bed as well.  So we don't hang out after the children are in bed, watching TV, like so many of my friends and their husbands do. In fact, I can't remember the last time my husband and I sat and watched TV together.....

So, we don't really follow a lot of the common "rules" for maintaining a good marriage!  But we have a wonderful relationship that I thank God for nearly every day because it's the happy, solid cornerstone of our family life. My husband is my best friend and I admire him immensely.   

Here are a few things that I do to prioritize my marriage, especially during this busy season:

1. Touch base during the workday.  My husband doesn't use a cell phone and isn't interested in chit-chat.  (He's an engineer, and if you know an engineer, you'll know they tend to be efficient with communication!) But once a day or so I'll send a quick email to check in or ask a question and I always try to say something nice. I'm not artificial or mechanical about it--I just add whatever kind comment is on my heart, any encouraging word I think he might like to hear...that sort of thing.  I don't call him and try to talk unless I have a specific question, because we're too busy for phone conversations during the day.   But a quick email works perfectly. 

2.  We try to talk for a few minutes each day without children and without screens.  Sometimes this extends into a nice long talk while the children play outside or while we wash dishes together. Sometimes it just means touching base for a few quiet minutes.  But it's conversation without a cell phone, laptop, or TV screen distracting us.  

3. We laugh a lot.  We find the humor in life. Sometimes my husband will show me funny things he has seen on YouTube and we have a massive store of "inside jokes" that we've amassed over the last 18 years of marriage. After my husband's surgery we sat in his doctor's office at the follow-up appointment giggling about something and when his doctor walked in, he remarked that healing would probably happen quickly because we were laughing and happy...and it did! Laughter is one of those things we share every day. 

4.  On the weekends, we do spend more time together, but we're not rigid about what this looks like, and we don't keep a set schedule for our time together.  We just live life together and enjoy each other's company.  That sometimes means yard work, or a hike in the woods, or whatever, and nearly always our children are nearby, but it's still time together and we still appreciate it. 

5. We keep a shared vision of life and do not jockey for importance or power in our relationship.  I think intimacy is damaged by power struggles and we simply do not engage in that. I know couples who do, and I'm not trying to be prescriptive, necessarily, but simply to describe what I believe is healthy and good for us: remembering what's Really Important (so many things aren't!), respecting each other's interests and gifts, and not trying to control each other.  

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My marriage is one of the great, surprising joys of my life. My parents divorced when I was about six years old, and although they were friendly with each other, I did not have the experience of living in a home with married parents.  Growing up I always dreamed of marriage but never figured it would happen so soon to me or so successfully.  So I don't take it for granted that this man is devoted to me, and I try to prioritize our relationship on a daily basis!