Consistency: The "One Thing" Approach to Changing Habits

 This is the time of the year when we turn our minds to resolutions, to big goals, to what we wish to accomplish in the coming year.  The lure of a fresh start is strong!  But I think often we plan big, but fall short quickly, and then give up altogether.

The key to success in any endeavor, based on my own experience and in my opinion, is super simple. 

Consistency.

I've touched on the value of consistency before (actually: last January!).  

 I believe firmly that consistency is the key to unlocking the good life. I cannot think of any aspect of life that is not improved by basic consistency, even if it's just a few minutes a day. The value is in the habit.  Over time, the habit snowballs and adds up.  If you write one page a day, in a year you'll have a book!

If you're struggling to start a new habit in the new year, don't think about changing the habit completely.  Instead, think of what one small thing you could do each day that would turn the ship around.  Then do everything you can to do it!

For instance, if you don't read to your children enough, decide that you'll read to them while they eat breakfast (they're a captive audience anyhow!).  Then just read a little bit at breakfast each day. 

Fitness: commit to being consistent with exercise.  I don't mean trying to kill yourself 3 days a week. I mean spending 15-30 minutes in moderate exercise 6-7 days a week.  Fifteen minutes is enough to keep the habit going.  I learned this from Louise Parker and she's right. 

Weight loss: this comes from food, not exercise.  So don't be fooled into thinking that joining the gym will actually help you lose weight!  It may have a tiny impact, but it's ultimately about dietary change.  Pick one thing in your diet that you know you must change.  Change that one thing.  Do it as consistently as possible, exercising self-discipline. For me, back when I lost a lot of weight, that was mindless eating, and particularly eating after dinnertime.  There was a lot more to my weight loss than that, but I think if I'd just changed that one habit, I would have still lost 10-15 pounds.  

I don't care what it is--Bible reading, music practice, homeschooling, housekeeping, saving money--whatever the goal is, just picking one simple thing to do per day, that doesn't take more than 15 minutes, will get you where you want to go faster than having a grand, complex plan that isn't sustainable. Because what we're looking for, after all, is just this: sustainability. 

It's not sustainable for me to work out two hours every day.

It is sustainable for me to take a walk each day and do 15 minutes of resistance work. Often I do more. But the minimum is sustainable for me. 

Just pick one small thing.  And focus hard on that thing. Some people can make several changes at once, but I think most people should just try to focus on one thing at a time.  In a few weeks, you'll have a habit; it won't be such a struggle to do that one thing, because you'll be used to it, and you can move on to something else! 

Habits Challenge Check-In

 This summer I decided to focus on eliminating one bad habit per month. The first one I wanted to focus on was by far what I consider my worst habit: the habit of eating while standing up!  I started to work on it in July, and I quickly learned how hard it is to break your own worst habit. And that is why I haven't posted anything since!

I would say I'm almost there with this bad habit.  I still find myself grazing when I'm super hungry (the key is do not get super hungry or if you do get super hungry, sit DOWN for the snack!). I still find myself rummaging through the dark chocolate and having a square while I'm not fully focused, which is such an insult to good chocolate, and not the way I want to be at all......

So. I will continue to work on this, with the hope of being completely free of the bad habit by the end of this calendar year.  

And I've also begun working on another one of my bad habits.

Don't laugh, but I have the quirky habit of leaving a drawer or door slightly open.  Does anyone else do this? It's so strange! I think it's because our house is quite small, and closing a door or drawer makes a noise, and I trained myself when my children were young to make as little noise as possible (naptimes, early bedtimes, late waketimes), but it's not serving any purpose now.  

My husband and I laugh about me leaving a drawer one inch from being closed, or a door closed but not shut fast, but in reality, it is kind of an annoying habit--even if it's funny, because it serves no purpose except to not make noise, and it doesn't even make that much noise!

So! I have already started to turn over a new leaf on this, my most ridiculous bad habit.  I'm making a conscious effort to close the doors and drawers!  Popping in to get something out of the pantry?  Listen for the click that indicates it's shut.  Reaching into the mechanical room to get the broom?  Click, shut the door. Getting a spoon to stir the tea?  Push the drawer all the way in.  

So this month I'll be working on sitting down while eating and closing the drawer and doors all the way.  

Oh, humans!  We are such a funny lot. 

A New Year of Life--with Dreams and Goals

 For the past few years I've been reluctant to make "resolutions" or even many goals.  Life threw us such a curveball; I often feel I need to just hold all my plans loosely now, because you never know.  And I still feel that way, but seem to be more open to thinking in a more concrete way about the future. (My husband hit the 2-year-in-remission mark last month!!)

I turned 43 on September 25th. I am so grateful to be in my early 40s, in good health, with two healthy children, with a husband who is healthy and alive, with a roof over my head and food in the refrigerator.  I honestly feel gratitude for these things every single day.

How about the other stuff?

One of my biggest dreams, and by far the most important one to me right now, is to raise two well-adjusted, respectful, hard-working, kind human beings who love God and love others.  There's a lot to that dream, and I have many goals that I'm working on along the way.

But I think it's time to articulate a few others as well--I feel comfortable enough to do that right now.  I feel far out enough from the uncertainty of stage 4 cancer, although the truth is--nothing is certain in our lives.  We have to spend our days as wisely as we can in light of that reality.

I like to think in terms of dreams (the big, almost-nebulous things that we'd like to do) and goals (the small steps we have to take to get to the dream). 

So here are my dreams and goals for the upcoming year of life: 

1) Dream: write a book (I estimate I'm about 3/4 of the way there)

Goal: write 20 minutes each day

I began working on this story a year or two ago, but it sort of turned itself into a book this year. I spent every Saturday morning working on it for a few hours at a time in January, February, and March; I stopped when the pandemic hit (because I was staying home!).  But I did spend a long weekend in a cabin by myself at the end of March and wrote about 30,000 words that weekend.  This past weekend I spent two days writing (but it wasn't as productive, because I was at home!).  My goal was to finish the first draft of the book by December 31, 2020, and I may be able to take another writing weekend soon.  I want to carve out the time each day to work steadily now.  Twenty minutes isn't much, but it's doable and it is better than nothing!

2)  Dream: drop one more dress size (I don't think I need or want to drop more than that)

Goal: walk 30-45 minutes a day, exercise 15-30 minutes a day, and follow the general eating routine that works best for me

Pretty straightforward!

3) Dream: read 44 books by my 44th birthday (this is a fun one, right?  I seem to pretty consistently read about 25 books per year--I do keep track--but this year I want to increase that significantly)

Goal: read for 30-60 minutes every evening 

My new favorite habit is getting completely ready for bed, tucking my children in, and then curling up in my own bed with my stack of books. I also like reading in the morning and afternoons, but those times are more "hit-or-miss" for me because I need to take care of my family during the day!

4)  Dream: learn to play violin (I began playing in fall of 2017, then took a long break when my husband was sick; I'm ready to pick up regular practice again, even if I'm not ready to re-start lessons yet)

Goal: practice 15 minutes a day 

That's all I have time to do, but I can do that!  

5) Dream: post more regularly on my blog

Goal: write three posts per week 

I genuinely enjoy writing here, and I miss it when I don't do it.  

6) Dream: learn to oil paint

Goal: paint for 1-2 hours every week

I recently decided I wanted to learn to oil paint; this could be a huge disaster, since I don't consider myself an artist.  At all.  But: why not? I think I'll try to paint on Sunday afternoons.  It's our most relaxed day, and my husband always naps, so that's the perfect time for me to putter around in some paints, I think!

*         *       * 

These are all personal goals.  They are not relationship-oriented, but that's because I don't quantify what I do in my relationships. In fact, my relationships come before any of the things I listed here.  Always. I don't care if I write a dozen books, play virtuoso-level violin (ha! what a dream!), oil paint like Vermeer, or read 100 books a year--if I do all of that and I neglect my home and my family, or don't show kindness to my neighbors in need or my friends, then I haven't done my real job, because I consider those things my real work in life.

Life is a gift!  I'm grateful to have the margin and vision to try to spend it well.  I know I'll come up short and never achieve every dream or goal, but I'd rather aim for the stars and reach the moon than never look up at all.

A New Habits Challenge: Check-In after Two Weeks

A couple of weeks ago I decided to challenge myself to change one habit per month, and the first habit to change was my bad habit of nibbling while standing up.

So, how's it going?

Well: it's going terribly!!!

The first few days I stuck with the new habit faithfully, but I noticed two things:

1) I was really, really hungry (I guess I'm getting calories I do need from that grazing!)

and 

2) it's particularly difficult when I'm just busy, and I am hungry, and frankly, it's just easier to stand at the sink and eat an apple.

So I fell off the wagon, as they say! Last week was extremely busy for me and I must have eaten while standing multiple times.  

This week I'm hoping to do better, and here's how:

1) Eat more at meals, or at sit-down snacks. I don't think I eat enough at my normal mealtimes.

2) When I do feel hungry and need a snack, put it on a special plate and really enjoy it for 5 minutes. I'm not so busy that I can't take 5 minutes to focus on my snack!

That's all. I feel like this is simple and doable. 

I'll check back in mid-August and report on how I did.......

A New Habits Challenge: One Change per Month

This morning I decided to start a blog series on changing habits. I have already posted some thoughts on habits, including the 12 "daily dozen" habits I try to include in my everyday life (although I still need to post the last one, which I paused because of cancer treatments....).  But sometimes we need to drop a bad habit just as much as we need to add a new one.

So I think I shall challenge myself to work on one habit each month for an entire year.  My personality wants to do everything all at once, but that's unrealistic, and as I get older, I get wiser! One habit a month is doable for me. 

The first habit I am going to try to change this month will be one of my very worst habits: eating while I stand up.  I loathe this habit of mine, but I do it almost every day.

Here's what it looks like for me:

hungry, looking into the fridge for something to eat, I start munching on grapes, cherries, triscuits....

OR

not that hungry, but trying to decide what to do next, I grab a few squares of dark chocolate and eat them STANDING UP (not even sitting to really enjoy them!)

OR 

not at all hungry--in fact, quite full--after supper as I clean up, grazing on bits and pieces that are left, like a few more rosemary potatoes from the pan

I will admit that I eat pretty healthfully but this habit of grazing on the hoof is simply not good for digestion, mindful eating, enjoying food.....

Two years ago I lost 25 pounds and have had no problem at all maintaining it (deepest and most heartfelt thanks to Louise Parker).  Sometime I'll write more about that, but for now there's a little bit about it in this post. 

I stopped my weight loss because my husband's cancer returned and I needed to focus on that.  And truth be told, I was pretty satisfied with my physique after losing 25 pounds. I felt great!   And I still do.  But I wouldn't mind losing another dress size or so.  I suspect that if I cut out the eating-while-standing bad habit I've developed, that dress size would drop without me doing anything else.  

But even if I stayed exactly the same weight and dress size, cutting out that bad habit would benefit me.  It's not very elegant to be popping chocolate chips or grapes into your mouth, and even worse, I have noticed my son doing it! Let me just tell you, if you have a bad habit and then you see your child adopting it...well, that is enough to stop me in my tracks.

So here's my challenge: I'm going to focus hard on only eating while I am sitting in my chair at the table.  I will give an update in a month, and then decide which habit to tackle next.

If you would like to take up the challenge as well and change a habit over the next month, post a comment and we'll do it together! 

Social Media and Cell Phones

I reflect uneasily and often on the culture my children are growing up in right now. I'm not talking about the big news stories, actually, which are issues enough to manage in themselves; I'm just talking about technology.

Technology can be a great blessing.  And yet it can also be a terrible distraction.

Lately I've been trying to puzzle this out.  My sister has been texting me a lot, so I feel I've been on my phone a ton, because I want to be available to her. (She just closed on her first-ever home on Friday!  I helped her with house-hunting, financing details, insurance coverage, inspection report, and a million other little details.)  She is unmarried, and so in many ways I'm her support person. ;) 

And then there's social media. Instagram. Facebook.  Those are the only two things I do, but that's enough, and some days I am tempted to just get rid of it all and see what life would look and feel like.  It's a double-edged sword: on the one hand, I like the connection it can provide.  On the other hand, sometimes the connection is pretty tenuous and superficial.  On the other hand again, sometimes the connection leads to genuine help and encouragement. 

And there's a dark underbelly of social media, too: the combination of negativity plus the distraction/addiction that it can provide.  (Facebook was designed to be addictive!)

I am the type of person who loves meaningful interactions and conversations.  Interestingly, my best friends, most of whom do not live locally (only a couple do), are not really my social media friends at all.  I just prefer in-person discussions, deeper connections.  I think most of us do, when we step back and think about it.

And always underlying my analysis of this is the reality that my children, with every second of every day, are getting older.  Finn is a teenager now!  Annie is nine and a half!  I wonder how much time I have spent of their childhood distracted--?  I only got a iphone 2 years ago (right before my husband's surgery, because I knew that I'd need fast and easy communication with multiple people), but lo, that is a distracting device.  Before that, I found myself easily distracted by my ipod and even the laptop!  I keep notifications off on my iphone, do not have the Facebook app, and have it always turned off (so I don't hear any bells or dings), but it's still extremely distracting.  

When you are in the room with someone and they are on their phone--texting, scrolling, etc.--it can be so annoying.  And I think for children in particular, this must be particularly annoying, when their parent is on the phone.  Sometimes I will say "just a moment while I reply to this text" and I KNOW I am doing something helpful (communicating with another person about something--often something important, but admittedly, sometimes not), but my child has no idea.  They are not part of that. I don't want my children to recall me as someone who was so easily distracted by her phone/laptop/etc.

So where does that leave us?

I need to begin to pray for guidance on this. 

(A few years ago our internet quit working, and I didn't have a cell phone. I took our laptop to the coffee shop to answer emails 1-2x per week, and it was the best couple of weeks EVER! I loved it!  I asked my husband if we could just not fix the internet, but he thought that was unrealistic--because, given our situation, it really is. But I loved it.)

I'd love to hear what anyone else thinks/does about this pervasive cultural issue that doesn't look like it's going away anytime soon. How do we balance the people in front of us with the people behind the screen, especially when the people in both scenarios mean something to us? And how do we manage social media?  Do I just pretend that I don't have internet except for twice a week?!

It's a challenge for sure. 

The Pressure of the Ordinary

Have you read The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis?  This short, pointed book is one of my favorites.  The premise is that a demon named Wormwood is trying to win the soul of a man, and Wormwood corresponds with the head demon, Screwtape, in order to get advice on how to worm his way into the man's heart and mind. 

At one point, Screwtape writes "...you don't realize how enslaved [humans] are to the pressure of the ordinary...."

Isn't this true?  Don't we have lofty ideals, but tend to get bogged down in the pressure of the ordinary?  Even the beautiful bits of ordinary can become mundane.  They can wear on your soul, drag you down, look dreary.  Am I enslaved  to the pressure of the ordinary?

 In this section of the book, Screwtape is discussing how important it is to distract humans: instead of allowing them to dive deeply into thought over an excellent book, lure them into the street to buy a newspaper.  The power of constant distraction cannot be overstated; it's hard to dive deeply into any subject, or achieve excellence in any part of life, in the face of constant distractions. I love that Lewis uses a newspaper to demonstrate this point (multiple articles on various topics); I am sure that in 2019, he'd use a smartphone app....

Likewise, the power of wasting time in nothing is an additional way to tap into and destroy a soul: 

"Nothing is very strong: strong enough to steal away a man's best years not in sweet sins but in a dreary flickering of the mind over it knows not what and knows not why, in the gratification of curiosities so feeble that the man is only half aware of them, in drumming of fingers and kicking of heels, in whistling tunes that he does not like, or in the long, dim labyrinth of reveries that have not even lust or ambition to give them a relish, but which, once chance association has started them, the creature is too weak and fuddled to shake off."

Nothing seems to be the type of living that culminates in regret in middle age, or later in life.  Do you know anyone who wakes up and goes to sleep with their regrets?  It is a hard way to live.  Although I don't think it's possible to live a life with no regrets, it seems wise to do the best you can to try to live a life that you will not regret living. 

This nothing is not to be confused with enjoying life for the simple sake of enjoying it, which is, in fact, a healthy thing:

"The deepest likings and impulses of any man are the raw materials, the starting point, with which the Enemy [Polly's note: this is a demon talking, so the "Enemy" here is God!] has furnished him.  To get him away from those is therefore always a point gained...[county cricket or collecting stamps or drinking cocoa], I grant you, have nothing of virtue in them; but there is a sort of innocence and humility and self-forgetfulness about them which I distrust."

In our self-absorbed, internet-rich world, is there any activity that we or our children engage in that still contains the qualities of innocence, humility and self-forgetfulness?

What's our motivation behind what we do?  My son and I were recently discussing this. Is our motivation to look good or impress others?  There's not much humility or self-forgetfulness in that; that's all about pride and self-consciousness.  When we are motivated purely by what people think of us, we lose the beauty and purity of enjoying an activity simply for the sake of enjoying it.

What's our motivation behind what we post on social media?  Are we employing innocence, humility, and self-forgetfulness?  I hazard to say that nearly everyone who has ever engaged with social media has, at some point or another, forgotten these virtuous qualities and instead posted or commented with an unhealthy spirit of offensiveness, pride, and self-awareness.

The pressure of the ordinary and power of distraction combined with the frittering away of time over nothings, those half-aware, fleeting curiosities, are--Lewis argues--destroying our souls. And he wrote The Screwtape Letters nearly 80 years ago, before television and the Internet took over our modern lives and minds.

*         *       *

A few years ago I had a sobering dream. I am (unfortunately, at times) prone to prophetic dreams, and this is one I've never forgotten.  I was on a nearby road at night, walking with my children. (Interestingly, it's a road that runs through the poshest neighborhood in our county, about a mile from our farm.)  I was distracted by my phone and was scrolling through its lit screen while we walked along.  Suddenly, I became aware of the sound of howling wolves, and I knew that they were getting closer. I realized they were after us, particularly after my children. I panicked; we were nowhere near safe shelter, and the only thing I held was a cell phone. My children were about to get eaten by wolves, and I somehow knew that it was my fault, because I'd been so deeply distracted by scrolling my phone that I was not aware of my surroundings earlier.

Then suddenly the phone turned into a shovel.  And I realized that I was going to kill the wolves with an instrument intended for digging. 

I woke up.

As soon as I woke up I knew exactly why I had a shovel, not a gun. The solution to the danger my children were in was to quit being so distracted and to dig deeper into life.

And so that is what I try to do. 

How Do You Have Time?

I get this question from time to time: how do you have time? It seems like when someone learns that I sew--even intermittently!, or spend time reading and/or writing each day, or exercising almost every day, or practicing violin, or {insert something else} I get asked how I have time to do it.

First of all, I always tell people not to be deceived: I don't do all of these things every single day. But I do at least a couple of them on most days. 

We all have the same amount of time in our day.  But we all have different priorities, family lives, needs, etc.  

I'm at a place in life now where I try to get up by 6am each day (today it was 6:07).  But there is no way that would have worked when I had little children.  My babies and toddlers were not easy sleepers, and I was often exhausted in the morning. I'd easily sleep until 8 am if they stayed asleep, and I needed the rest!  So it's not helpful to make blanket statements like "get up early."  Sometimes you just can't! (Getting up in the 5:00 hour does enable me to be more productive....I just don't recommend it because everyone's needs are so unique.)

But there are are a few things that I do that I think buy more time and can apply to people with different life situations.

*No television.  People hate to hear this and I don't say it unless I'm asked (except on my own blog, ha!), but I literally never, ever watch television.  I have gone through spurts of watching TV (especially in my 20s) but it has been years since I actually sat down and watched a show.  I am not even sure I know how to turn our TV on!  I don't care what's on TV and at night after our children are in bed I love curling up with a stack of books.  It calms me, encourages sleep, and feels like a connected, happy quiet. TV is too stimulating, distracting, and commercialized for me.  

I know people argue that television is a way to relax and escape.  This may be true.  But I think there are probably more rewarding ways to relax at the end of the day.


(like: my evening walk!)

*Strict boundaries on Internet use. I have had to develop this strictness over the years.  It's so easy to "check something" online and resurface hours later!  Social media in particular is addicting (it's designed to be).  I don't have a Facebook app on my phone and have ALL notifications on my phone turned off.  I try to keep a running list of "things to look up/do" on the internet, including email, buying stuff, and reading, and once I have a fairly solid list, I pull out the laptop and work my way down that list.  (This blog post was on that list!)  And I avoid watching any movies or YouTube videos unless I'm on the elliptical trainer. 

I have also turned off all text notifications on my phone, which I can do because I don't have children who are independent and driving around.  I try to check texts just a couple times a day. 

*Less stuff=more time.  I know we have all heard this before but it's TRUE!  The more items you own, the more time you have to take to clean it, organize it, store it, manage it, arrange it, dust it.  I have always enjoyed purging, but also seemed to easily acquire things, even just from generous neighbors or thrift stores.  But since my husband was diagnosed with cancer 19 months ago I got ruthless with the stuff we own.  I have gotten rid of some really good stuff, y'all!  A telescope, a dress form, furniture, lots of books, china, sheets, toys, clothes, my mother's vintage brandy glasses....you name it, I've purged it in some way or another.  I have come to see stuff as a burden that comes between me and the life I want to live with my family.  I hate it when I don't play a game of Candyland with my daughter or have a talk with my son because I feel like I need to tidy up the clutter or organize a space.  So I took the bull by the horns and am finally beginning to enjoy the fruits of my labor. 

I'm a minimalist now.  Of course, if you walk into my house you will see stuff (right now Annie has four puzzles all worked on a table in the living room!), because we live here and my children have creative work to do.  My house doesn't look like a photo of a minimalist's house, with one white sofa and four white walls and a potted plant.  Nope. That's not cozy enough for me--plus, I love books and artwork too much.  But I define minimalism as intentionally choosing what's important and disregarding the rest. We have pared down significantly, and the benefit is that it's so much easier to keep things neat and clean, even when they get sort of messy (see the puzzles on our living room table).  I don't have a lot of stuff to manage, so the stuff that is left is....easy to manage.  

And, honestly, I can still pare down.  And I still plan to pare down. In fact, I plan to do more purging this summer and fall, until we are truly left with the essentials (although I do consider 3 guitars, 2 violins, and 2 pianos essential...see? I'm not getting rid of everything!). 

 I'm using this minimalist lens in every area of my life. It has brought so much peace into my heart. 

*Prioritizing top needs of each day.  Trying to do everything every day just leads to distraction and feeling frenzied--at least in my experience.  I focus on accomplishing 3 things each day in addition to the stuff of daily life (like keeping house and caring for my family's educational, laundry, and nutritional needs).  I find that focusing like this somehow gives me MORE time. 

*Mastering the fine art of saying no. I am so good at saying no!  No to more stuff, no to obligations that I can't fulfill without feeling stressed, no to activities and involvements that take time away from what matters most to us.  I think it's hard for some women to say no because we want to please people.  But the more you get used to saying "unfortunately, I can't do that," the easier it is.  I am an oldest child, perfectionistic, classic people pleaser, so if I can learn to say no with confidence, I think anyone can.  

*             *            * 

I'm not suggesting that everyone adopt all of these things. I'm just offering them as the things that I do that I think allow me to have the margin in my life to do interesting things and also to enjoy my family more. 

If you have babies or toddlers, or a sick spouse or parent or child, life is just going to be different, but paring down and prioritizing helps so much in those situations.  In those cases, you need more time than other people do, but you also need more margin.  Be kind and gentle to yourself, and do whatever you need to do to simplify, even if it feels radical or counter-cultural.  

People above things, always! 

My Daily Dozen: The Habit of Creativity

This year I began a blog series on my "daily dozen"--twelve habits that I use as the scaffolding of my life right now.   The first four (rest, eating well, exercise, fresh air) are habits of fostering good physical health.  The second group of four habits (Bible reading and prayer, spending time with my children, fostering my marriage, and prioritizing ideas) are related to relationships. The last four "daily dozen" habits that I use as the scaffolding of my life during this season have to do with discipline. So far I have written about the habit of doing daily chores and the related (but not the same!) habit of tidying. I realize that chores and tidying up are often considered mundane, but they do bring peace and ease to my days. 

The penultimate habit I want to write about today is the habit of creativity.   My original plan was to title this "The Habit of Writing," but I realized that's very specific to me, and it makes more sense to give a broader category here: the habit of creativity. 

Creativity is an essential aspect of being human.  Unfortunately too many of us think creativity is limited to people who get paid for their creations (famous artists, actors, or musicians). That's not true!  Life is full of opportunities for creative work.

Creative work isn't just painting, writing, or dancing.  It's also acting, flower arranging, entrepreneurship, cooking, dressing, woodworking, composing, sewing, decorating....and so much more. We each have the capacity for creative work in some field or another, and I think most of us have a general idea of what our favorite creative work is.  What was the thing you really loved to do as a child?  I have a friend who dreamed of being a Broadway star.  She still loves to act, dance, and sing.  I never swerved from my desire to write...I even wrote an entire book at the age of 12! I think looking back at childhood and thinking of the dreams and pastimes of those years is the best way to determine what types of creative endeavors to pursue now.  (You may have many--I used to design clothes and houses!  And to this day I love garments and architecture, although I'm neither a clothing designer or an architect.)

Although creative work is often associated with spontaneity, I have found over the years that the best approach to creativity is simply slow-and-steady daily discipline.  Numerous books have been written on this topic; for instance, Julia Cameron advocates writing morning pages every day to help any creative person get through a "block" (see The Artist's Way).  I have done that in the past, although I don't do it daily now.  In The War of Art Steven Pressfield makes the case that commitment to your creative endeavor is ultimately the most important facet of accomplishing creative goals. In The Creative Habit, renowned choreographer Twyla Tharp emphasizes the importance of discipline and habit for any creative person. I'm sure there are many more books out there on this subject, but what it all boils down to is this: if you want to do creative work, you have to work at it. Make it a habit!

What does this look like, in reality?

My first bit of advice is to live in the season you're in and don't wish it away.  Find little ways to be creative each day. One thing I like to do, even during  a busy spell, is arrange flowers for little bouquets. It can take a while or it can take 5 minutes, and my arrangements are usually the 5-minute variety.  You may love to cook and express creativity in meals (I don't! but I LOVE people who do).  Sometimes it's flower gardening. It can even be something as simple as making the family calendar look beautiful and artistic, or spending a few extra minutes each day choosing an interesting and creative outfit to wear. My favorite inspiration for this is Edith Schaeffer's classic The Hidden Art of Homemaking, which contains plenty of ways you can exercise your creative side while simply...making home! 






{a sweet and fancy Japan-themed snack table}

If you have more time and latitude for creativity, then commit to it more firmly. Discipline yourself to write three morning pages each day, or paint for half an hour every afternoon, or write two pages on your novel each morning before the children wake, etc. The key is commitment, which will get you going, and then habit takes over, and once habit is ingrained, the discipline is in place. 

It does take discipline, though.  And you will encounter resistance and obstacles.  Be prepared for that! Do your best to stick to the discipline no matter what happens.  Try it for a week.  Then a month. 

For me personally, writing is best done either early in the morning or late at night.  I try to avoid working on writing during the day, when I should be paying attention to my children and our household responsibilities. Because our current life situation is so challenging (my husband is undergoing cancer treatments), I don't have a super-predictable schedule.  But I'm still trying to write for half an hour or an hour most mornings *or* late evenings. I'm trying to include this as part of my scaffolding each day, and when I can't write for whatever reason, I still try to do something that is a little creative. Just to keep the habit going and keep sparking my interest! 

I encourage anyone and everyone to make creativity a regular habit, and if you need further inspiration, the books I've referenced here all make a fine place to start (I do have a caveat about Pressfield's book, but it's minor--I mention it here).

 I feel it's such an important habit and one that easily gets ignored, particularly when we are busy raising children and managing households.  So if you have any tips on making creativity a habit or struggles regarding daily creativity, feel free to share.

Next week I plan to write my very last Daily Dozen post. If you've missed any or want to read the habits posts I've written so far, you may find them here. Viva la habits! 

My Daily Dozen: The Habit of Tidying

This year I began a blog series on my "daily dozen"--twelve habits that I use as the scaffolding of my life right now.   The first four (rest, eating well, exercise, fresh air) are habits of fostering good physical health.  The second group of four habits (Bible reading and prayer, spending time with my children, fostering my marriage, and prioritizing ideas) are related to relationships.

The last four "daily dozen" habits that I use as the scaffolding of my life during this season have to do with discipline. Last Monday I wrote about the habit of doing daily chores. That's not an exciting habit, but I do consider it an essential discipline!  Today I'm going to write about something closely related: the habit of tidying. 

What is tidying? 

Tidying, according to my definition, is the act of bringing order.  So when I talk about tidying, I'm not just talking about picking up around the house, although it is clearly important to bring order to the house on a regular basis.  I'm also talking about tidying outdoor spaces (like the yard, garden, patio, porch).  And on a deeper level I mean tidying the schedule. 

On most days I can't tidy all of these things (the house and yard that are perfectly clean in every room every day is an unreachable goal in my season of life for sure), but every day I can do a bit of a tidy somewhere. I think if I can "tidy something" each day as a basic discipline of my life, I can generally maintain a sense of order in my home and in my mind. 

Tidying the House

Some of us love this task more than others.  My husband once came home when I had our closet all torn up and clothes across the bed and I was going through everything (mind you, I keep a small wardrobe to begin with) and he smiled and said, "you're really happy right now, aren't you?"

It's true. I love to tidy up.  I even tend to tidy therapeutically; the day my mother died unexpectedly in my arms, I went back to her house from the hospital and just began to tidy up.  I knew it seemed strange in the face of what had happened, but it was a stress-reliever. I did it because the house needed it, and I needed it, too. There are few things that thrill me more than taking a messy closet or drawer and imposing order upon the chaos.  

I know there are people who think people like me are crazy!

In spite of this love of tidying, I do not have a perfectly tidy home.  I live with three other people who do not share my deep joy of tidying up.  (Although my daughter shows potential.....) Imposing my standard of order on everyone else in this household would result in misery, so we just keep things reasonably neat.  And sometimes things are a complete mess!  (Our garage comes to mind.) This weekend I went through our schoolroom and organized it...and let me tell you, it was chaos down there for a few days! But not anymore.

My advice for beginners to tidying is to pick *one* spot in your house that you want to keep clutter-free and tidy, and simply focus on that each day.  That builds the habit, and once you have the habit, you've got momentum, and keeping certain spaces tidy won't feel so onerous anymore. 

Also note: "tidy" is a relative word. What is tidy to you? That's what you're going for. If you're the type of person who doesn't mind a stack of books on the coffee table and a little pile of papers on the buffet and a puzzle in progress on the end table, then fine!  Remember that it's about bringing order. Your home can be in order even if it doesn't look ready for a magazine shoot.

I personally love a Very Tidy space but also don't mind the Tangram game left out on the table for a few days or a few stuffed animals neatly gracing the sofa.  I'll straighten the pillows at night and maybe arrange the stuffed animals neatly, and that doesn't bother me a bit!

Tidying Outside

Sometimes I am so fixated on the inside of my house that I forget the outside. In winter this is no big deal, but in summer things get grimy and out of control very quickly.

Now, I'll be honest: when I had children who were babies, toddlers, and preschoolers, I pretty much made peace with the season of my life and I didn't fret much over the exterior of our house.  A couple of summers ago I instituted the rule that I would weed and mulch every year. Around that time I also drew a to-scale grid plan of my flower beds and realized how many "holes" there were between plants, so I've worked pretty hard over the past few years at filling those holes with plants, thus choking out the weeds! As a result, my flower gardening is the best it has ever been.

Once or twice a week it's nice to go pull weeds and tidy up, and in doing so I save myself the trouble of dealing with overwhelming amounts of weeds. (Trust me, I have been there in the past. Many times.)

Don't talk to me about the vegetable garden. I'd happily turn it back into lawn, but my husband likes to have a vegetable garden. It's just that we can't keep it up, especially not with cancer nipping at our heels. We'll just draw the veil of charity over it!

It is a good idea to establish a basic routine for tidying other outdoor spaces like porches, decks, and patios.  We have some messiness near our patio right now as we're doing some landscaping and have a few "piles" nearby, but I do try to at least keep the piles somewhat tidy.  It's a classic case of doing the best I can do, knowing it's imperfect, and accepting that anyhow.  Choosing one day a week to sweep the patio, tidy up the porch, knock down spider webs, etc. does help things stay reasonably nice during the busy summer months. Remember--it's about bringing basic order, not imposing perfection.

Tidying the Schedule  

This is my favorite. Tidying the house and yard help give us physical peace so we can relax and enjoy other pursuits, but in my opinion nothing brings more peace than tidying the schedule. This includes taking a look at the week or month ahead and deciding what to embrace, what to decline, how to order our days, what types of meals might be nice, what things need our focus, and what other things can be ignored.

Sometimes my schedule is inevitably packed.  During those times, tidying the schedule means looking at it with an eye to efficiency and figuring out what to do to make life easier.  Grouping errands and appointments helps tremendously, as does having simple meals or freezer meals. But I don't want to live with a packed schedule for too long if I can help it!

Often taking the bird's eye view of the schedule will allow me to see what I can cull.  It helps me hone in on what's most important to us in our lives right now. It helps me save time by narrowing my focus. Back when my children were younger and I felt perpetually overwhelmed, I decided to make a short (3-5 items) list every quarter of the things I wanted to focus upon for those months.  It was *so* helpful for me to keep that visibly posted in my kitchen as a reminder not to take on too much, and to do one thing at a time, and keep my focus on what I deemed important during that season of my life.

I think that tidying the schedule is an essential aspect of living an intentional life. It's easy to be swept along on the waves of our days, yet we need to determine where we want to go and navigate in that direction.  Tidying the schedule is the tool that gets us there. 

When To Tidy

I suggest tidying main living areas up each day. You don't have to get it to perfection--just try to eliminate the messes.  (And recruit the children!) I try to Do Something, no matter how small (kind of like exercise!) and just stick to the commitment.  You could pick Saturday as the day to pull weeds and tidy outdoor spaces--and don't worry about it if it's pouring rain.  I love to tidy my schedule on Sundays after church. The new week is ahead, my husband takes a nap, I make a cup of tea, and I look ahead at the week to think through meals, obligations, appointments, exercise plans, school plans, et cetera.  It takes less than an hour and I simply enjoy sitting with the planner and my thoughts!  I feel more prepared when I begin my week that way. When my children were smaller and needier, I often spent an hour or two on the weekends at a local coffee shop doing my schedule-tidying and menu planning, and then I went grocery shopping. We will all do this differently! 

For me, tidying regularly brings more peace and serenity into our home (and into my heart and head), so I do consider it an essential habit in my life.

Next week I plan to write about another habit that involves discipline...but something a little more fun than chores and tidying! 

My Daily Dozen: The Habit of Doing Chores

Earlier this year I began a blog series on my "daily dozen"--twelve habits that I use as the scaffolding of my life right now.   The first four (rest, eating well, exercise, fresh air) are habits of fostering good physical health.  The second group of four habits (Bible reading and prayer, spending time with my children, fostering my marriage, and prioritizing ideas) are related to relationships.

 
The last four "daily dozen" habits that I use as the scaffolding of my life during this season have to do with discipline. 

I find that many people shrink at the word "discipline." I suppose it conjures up ideas of punishment.  But I mean it more in the sense of self-discipline; that is, training the self.  And self-discipline is essential to living a fairly ordered life.

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The first discipline that must truly be a daily habit--and I think this applies universally to everyone--is the habit of doing chores.   By this I simply mean the routine tasks of daily life at home: laundry, cooking, cleaning the kitchen, making the beds, caring for pets, cleaning something (not everything, and not all at once!), perhaps wiping down the bathrooms.  In other words: the daily tasks that keep life running smoothly.  

It takes self-discipline to do these chores every day.  The bad news is that self-discipline can be tough, but the good news is that disciplining yourself to do the basic quotidian chores can exercise the muscle of self-discipline, which carries over into other aspects of life!

(This is a bouquet my aunt and uncle sent us in the hospital. I loved these tiny roses!)

Choosing the Chores

What are the chores *you* must do each day?  We don't all need to do the same things every day, but we *do* all need to do some things every day, and the trick is figuring out what chores you must complete daily, given the unique circumstances of your life.

For me, the basic daily chores are making the bed, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, wiping down the bathrooms, taking care of pets, and of course cooking! I do other chores on other days, but these are the daily essentials and those are the ones I'm focused on here.

Do I do my chores perfectly every day?  No.  I do not do every chore on every single day. But I hit most (or all) of them on most days, and a few I simply never do escape unless I'm staying in a hotel (those are cleaning the kitchen, making the bed, and feeding the animals!).  I am human and sometimes I skip a chore, but the daily chores I mention here are those that, if undone, tend to get worse and worse.  Laundry and dishes pile up, food goes unused, surfaces get grimy, bedding becomes dirty, et cetera. These chores must be done every day, or almost every day.

Managing the Chores

I find that the easiest way to manage these routine chores is to compartmentalize them. Creating morning and evening routines is so helpful!  My morning routine includes sorting and starting laundry, feeding pets, making our bed, wiping down our bathroom, cleaning the litter box. The evening routine includes making sure the kitchen is spic-and-span, getting the laundry folded and put away, making sure the chickens are tucked into bed, and looking at tomorrow to be sure we're all set on the menu plan. Just create a simple, straightforward routine that you can memorize and then do almost effortlessly.

 Last night my best friend and I were talking about how overwhelming life can be, and I mentioned the fact that Steve Jobs always wore the same clothes, thus eliminating that decision from his life and streamlining his decision-making.  Now I would *never* take the Steve Jobs approach to wardrobing because I love picking out my clothes for the day, and I enjoy variation in my clothing choices, but the principle behind that is useful when applied to certain routine tasks.  If you don't have to decide each evening to clean the kitchen--you just do it out of habit--life is easier and more efficient.  Setting up your repetitive daily chores in a way that reduces your need to decide what to do and when is a genuinely helpful approach to managing the home.

Now I will admit that when we are not doing schoolwork or we're in an extended period of unusual scheduling, like we are right now, I am more flexible about when I accomplish these tasks. But they still need to be done, and if I get too flexible, they start to fall by the wayside! I have learned the hard way that life runs more smoothly in my home when I stick faithfully to the morning and evening routines.

And our children help out, too.  In fact, I have an entire extra post planned for later this week on children and chores.  I began writing it and realized it needed a post all its own, so I'll publish that soon.

(A really fun bouquet our pastor's wife left on our front porch. Those sunflowers make me so happy!)

One additional thing to remember is that sometimes we dread a chore so much that we put more mental energy into not doing it than we would put time into doing it.  I know someone who dreads washing the dishes so much that this person simply didn't do it for a long time--and then had to throw away dishes and get new ones!  In reality the time it takes to wash dishes, even without a dishwasher, is quite minimal.  I would bet that this person spent more mental time feeling irritated about those dishes than they would have spent just washing them each day.  So: chin up! It's so much easier to just do the chore and not have it hanging over you.

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 I am always interested in how other people manage and tackle the routine tasks of life.  Do you have any tips on accomplishing daily chores? Please share them if you do!

If you are interested, you may find all posts on habits here.

Now time for me to make the bed!

My Daily Dozen: The Habit Hiatus is Over

Earlier this year I began a blog series on my "daily dozen"--twelve habits that I use as the scaffolding of my life during this season.   The first four (rest, eating well, exercise, fresh air) are habits of fostering good physical health.  The second group of four habits (Bible reading and prayer, spending time with my children, fostering my marriage, and prioritizing ideas) are related to relationships. 

I took some time off from this series--and this blog!--while we processed my husband's cancer diagnosis, but I'm ready to start back up and write about the final four habits.  I plan to publish the habits posts over the next four Mondays.  And the more I write about habits, the more I feel like I have to say! There's so much I have to leave out of the blog posts in the interest of saving space.

If you are interested, here's the link with all of the "habits" posts.

In the meantime, is your lavender in bloom?  Bobby at the local nursery told me to prune, prune, prune mine in order to keep it from getting woody.  So a few days ago I pruned and harvested!  And while I worked I thought of England in July of 2005, and how it smelled to drive a country road with the windows down....

Beautiful!

My Daily Dozen: Prioritizing Ideas

I am continuing my blog posts on my "daily dozen": the twelve habits that I use as the scaffolding or my life during this season.

The first four habits I use as the scaffolding for my days in this season of life are physical: rest, eating well, exercise, and fresh air.  

Now I'm talking about prioritizing relationships. I wrote about Bible reading and prayer, spending time with my children, and prioritizing my marriage.  

The fourth relationship I prioritize is my relationship with ideas.

What?  Ideas? 

Now we're getting a little metaphysical!

Leave it to a student of philosophy to put ideas up there with a husband and children.  But our ideas matter.  What we read matters.  What we think matters.  The things upon which we reflect, the narratives we allow to play in our mind, the way we view our life and problems, and the worldview to which we subscribe all matter with (I believe) a life-or-death urgency.  So yes, prioritizing ideas is essential to me.

Ideas shape us.  Our ideas will ultimately lead to how to live our life.  So much depends on this: do we wallow in self-pity or do we get on with things?  Do we believe in positive change or get stuck in a destructive mindset?  Do we believe in forgiveness or do we entertain bitterness?  And so on.

Ideas matter, so I spend time each day on ideas.  However, I usually don't have hours to spend on ideas, because each day I stay busy with homeschooling, housekeeping, exercise, laundry, cooking, music practice, taking care of my children, et cetera.  So in this season of life I find pockets of time for engaging with ideas by:

Reading 

Of course I try to prioritize Bible reading time. I also love to read other books. Right now I primarily read non-fiction books, and I generally read after my children are in bed at night. In some seasons I read a lot more than others.  For instance, right now I'm barely reading much at all because our spring schedule is quite full and I am working so hard, but when summer comes and we start going to the pool, I'll read during daylight hours for at least an hour or so every day!

Books are a huge subject--sometime I will do a blog post on the books that have influenced me the most in recent years. There's no room here for that--but stay tuned.

Listening 

I like to listen to sermons online, or to interviews between interesting people on YouTube.  Sometimes I will watch/listen to a Youtube video while I fold laundry or cook dinner. Sometimes I'll find a podcast and listen to it via my laptop, because my low-budget phone doesn't handle things like that.  When I was painting the beadboard in our laundry room I remember listening to hours of sermons. I don't listen to anything regularly, but a few things I've enjoyed are:

*The Read-Aloud Revival Podcast (I've listened to a few of these, my favorite is probably Sarah Clarkson)
*The Daily Connoisseur on YouTube (I've been following Jennifer since before she became a bestselling author, and I feel we are kindred spirits, particularly in the realm of prioritizing home life)
*Any talk or interview with Rosaria Butterfield--she's so grounded and has a fascinating story (Google her or search on YouTube for more information)
*Revive our Hearts Radio (a handful of these each year, but I enjoy them)
*Bravewriter on YouTube (every so often, for homeschooling inspiration)
*NT Wright talks on YouTube (I heard him speak years and years ago in person and I really enjoy his lectures)
*Lydia Sherman on YouTube (I love her focus on domesticity--inspiring)
*Socrates in the City (fascinating talks and interviews)
*John Piper sermons and talks
*Tim Keller sermons and talks

It probably goes without saying, but I don't agree with every single thing every person says on these channels!  Engaging with ideas also means being smart enough to reject what you believe is untrue or off-base. :)  That's my disclaimer.

What do I avoid?  I will listen to people with whom I disagree, but I will not listen to anyone who uses foul language or is crude, insulting, or demoralizing.  (Remember Philippians 4:8!)

Occasionally Reviewing the News

I barely pay attention to the news.  In general I don't think dwelling on the news--which changes constantly, is often negative, frequently involves fear-mongering--is healthy. Some of the unhappiest and/or most anxious people I know are the ones who watch the news all day long. We are saturated with news right now in a way that is unprecedented in the history of humanity, and I don't think this is a good thing.

 In any case, I'll just say that it's not for me.  What I do is scan the national and local headlines a couple of times a week online, read our local weekly newspaper each week, and listen to NPR on occasion in the car. If an election is coming up I do pay closer attention to the news and my husband and I talk about the candidates because I think it's so important to vote intelligently. 

Intermittent Online Reading 

Last but not least, I do like to read some non-news sites, like blogs.  I tend to focus on sites that inspire me in the life I am leading right now: that is, a life of taking care of my family and my home. I don't have time to read blogs every day and sometimes I go weeks without reading them, but I do have a handful of favorites! I will try to do a separate blog post on those sometime in the coming weeks.

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These are the primary ways I prioritize engagement with ideas at this stage of my life: reading books, listening to inspiring talks and sermons, judicious engagement with the news, and some occasional online blog reading.  I love to learn and think, and although I could happily while my days away in a university library somewhere, that's not practical for me as a wife and mother, so I engage with ideas in little bits and pieces of time here and there throughout the day, and it works very well for me in this season of life. 

My Daily Dozen: Prioritizing Marriage

The first four habits I use as the scaffolding for my days in this season of life are physical: rest, eating well, exercise, and fresh air.  

Now I'm talking about prioritizing relationships. I wrote about Bible reading and prayer, and last week I wrote about spending time with my children.  Today I want to write about spending time with my husband.

(If you have seen my Instagram you will know that this was Easter Sunday, and my husband apologized to me that day for not having time to shave [Easter is crazy for us with church services, family dinner, etc!].  So this is his mountain man look..but there was no need to apologize.  This guy had cancer earlier this year...do you really think I care if he shaves?!  Let's remember what Really Matters in life!)

As a married person I believe that prioritizing my husband is important.  After all, we were married for years before we had children (nearly eight, in our case!) and, God willing, will be married for years after our children leave the nest.  During this busy season of life it's not easy to make time for each other, but I try to keep this at the forefront of my mind and heart.  What it looks like differs from person to person and couple to couple, and I don't think there's a "right" way to do it. 

I've read that married couples must have weekly "date nights" in order to keep their relationship strong.  We have never managed this or even tried to do this, and it hasn't negatively impacted us at all. I think that's because we just invest in our marriage every day in tiny ways.  But every couple is different, and perhaps for some people a weekly date night is essential. 

Some couples also spend time together each evening after their children are in bed.  But we don't usually, at least not on weeknights!  Our children go to bed around 9-9:30, and I get up around 6:30, and my husband is often up by 4:30. By the time everyone is tucked in and the house is quiet, my husband is fast asleep (he's almost always asleep before the children) and I'm on my way to a hot bath and bed as well.  So we don't hang out after the children are in bed, watching TV, like so many of my friends and their husbands do. In fact, I can't remember the last time my husband and I sat and watched TV together.....

So, we don't really follow a lot of the common "rules" for maintaining a good marriage!  But we have a wonderful relationship that I thank God for nearly every day because it's the happy, solid cornerstone of our family life. My husband is my best friend and I admire him immensely.   

Here are a few things that I do to prioritize my marriage, especially during this busy season:

1. Touch base during the workday.  My husband doesn't use a cell phone and isn't interested in chit-chat.  (He's an engineer, and if you know an engineer, you'll know they tend to be efficient with communication!) But once a day or so I'll send a quick email to check in or ask a question and I always try to say something nice. I'm not artificial or mechanical about it--I just add whatever kind comment is on my heart, any encouraging word I think he might like to hear...that sort of thing.  I don't call him and try to talk unless I have a specific question, because we're too busy for phone conversations during the day.   But a quick email works perfectly. 

2.  We try to talk for a few minutes each day without children and without screens.  Sometimes this extends into a nice long talk while the children play outside or while we wash dishes together. Sometimes it just means touching base for a few quiet minutes.  But it's conversation without a cell phone, laptop, or TV screen distracting us.  

3. We laugh a lot.  We find the humor in life. Sometimes my husband will show me funny things he has seen on YouTube and we have a massive store of "inside jokes" that we've amassed over the last 18 years of marriage. After my husband's surgery we sat in his doctor's office at the follow-up appointment giggling about something and when his doctor walked in, he remarked that healing would probably happen quickly because we were laughing and happy...and it did! Laughter is one of those things we share every day. 

4.  On the weekends, we do spend more time together, but we're not rigid about what this looks like, and we don't keep a set schedule for our time together.  We just live life together and enjoy each other's company.  That sometimes means yard work, or a hike in the woods, or whatever, and nearly always our children are nearby, but it's still time together and we still appreciate it. 

5. We keep a shared vision of life and do not jockey for importance or power in our relationship.  I think intimacy is damaged by power struggles and we simply do not engage in that. I know couples who do, and I'm not trying to be prescriptive, necessarily, but simply to describe what I believe is healthy and good for us: remembering what's Really Important (so many things aren't!), respecting each other's interests and gifts, and not trying to control each other.  

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My marriage is one of the great, surprising joys of my life. My parents divorced when I was about six years old, and although they were friendly with each other, I did not have the experience of living in a home with married parents.  Growing up I always dreamed of marriage but never figured it would happen so soon to me or so successfully.  So I don't take it for granted that this man is devoted to me, and I try to prioritize our relationship on a daily basis! 

My Daily Dozen: Spending Time with my Children

Today I want to continue with the theme of the habits I try to use as the scaffolding for my life. The first habits I wrote about (rest, eating well, exercise, fresh air) are all focused on gaining and maintaining physical health.

Now I'm moving into some habits that are important because they help maintain healthy relationships.  Healthy relationships are vital!  Have you watched this Ted Talk?  I was fascinated by it!  In essence, relationships are even more important than exercise!  I recently read The Blue Zone,  a book that probably deserves a whole post of its own, and it reaches a similar conclusion on the importance of relationships. 

So first I wrote about the habit of daily Bible reading and prayer, which cultivates the relationship with God.  Today I want to write about fostering relationships with my children. 

My own situation is that my children still live at home with me, so I (happily!) get to see them every day.  It's important to me, as someone who spends so much time with my children, to make sure I'm not taking it too much for granted.  I know that the years fly by quickly. So here are a few basic things I try to do each day:

*Give a kind greeting in the morning: snuggles, kisses, hugs, happy words. I want my children to begin every day knowing that I'm happy to see them!  Fortunately my children sleep until about 7:30-8:00 each day, so I have ample time to get up, exercise, and drink a little coffee so I'm awake enough to be cheerful. But even on rarer occasions when I sleep in and someone crawls into bed with me I try to be sleepily kind and happy to see them!

*Read aloud each day.  Reading aloud my be my parenting "love language," if such a thing exists.  There are few things I love more than sitting together in a cozy place and sharing books with my children.  This is one of those sticking points that seems to keep me away from traditional "schooling" at home: I want to be sure we have enough time to read together each day.  My ideal is Bible at breakfast, something at lunch (today it was history and Aesop's fables), a novel in the afternoon (we just finished Charlotte's Web for the millionth time and are about to finish The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe for the second time. If we spend too much time diagramming sentences, for instance, there's less time for reading aloud.  And reading aloud means so much to me.

*Give them my undivided attention for a period of time each day.  This is not easy in the course of a busy life, but it makes a world of difference from the child's perspective. "Look at this!" or "look at me!" or "see what I can do!".....these are things that matter to the child.  I try to be mindful about pausing to make eye contact, genuinely listen to a story, answer questions thoughtfully, and so on. Annie craves someone to play with, and it means the world to her when I spend half an hour just playing with her!  Finn wants someone to talk to, to listen to his ideas, and answer his crazy inquisitive questions, and it means so much to him when I do this.  They both love for me to play soccer with them or act silly with them or do a craft with them.  It's hard for me to pause my to-do list and do these things because I love to Get Things Done, but these "invisible" things are among the most important things of all.

*Bless them with a kind tuck-in at night.  This is the hardest one of all for me. I am usually so very tired by the end of the day that I just want a quiet house and a warm bed!  But it's important for my children to feel loved, secure, and happy as they fall asleep, so I take the time to pray over each of them, give kisses, and sometimes answer Deep Questions or discuss issues that have arisen during the day.  Half the time I'm ready to bolt for a hot bath and a book but I do try to be patient and kind and make bedtime pleasant.

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Finn turns 11 (!!!) this summer, and Annie just tuned 7. As my father likes to say "time nor tide waits for no man".....so it's important to spend the time wisely.  My best friend has told me that she doesn't regret the years her daughter (now in her mid-twenties) was little because Allison genuinely tried to *be* with her daughter and take full advantage of those years.  I love this and am inspired by it.

So those four acts are the basic daily things I try to do to make sure I'm fostering a loving relationship with my children.  There are loads of other things we do, too, and homeschooling provides constant access to each other.  It's just so easy to become too distracted! So for me a sweet wake-up, a read-aloud session (or three), some undivided attention, and a kind tuck-in at night are all habits that reorient me away from the distractions and back to investing in the hearts and minds of our children.  They need that, and so do I.