The Goodness of God

 Today at church during our quiet personal prayer time, the worship leader sang "The Goodness of God."  I've heard this song plenty of times, but somehow today was different. Today I just shut my eyes and listened, and saw my life through the lens of these words.  

 I love you, Lord/for your mercy never fails me/All my days, I've been held in Your hands/From the moment that I wake up/Until I lay my head/Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

I thought about waking up in the morning, either in the dark or as the sun starts to break through (I face east in my bed, so the rising sun hits me!), and how thankful I am to be alive, and then at night, I'm so tired that often my only prayer is thank you, thank you. 

I love Your voice/You have led me through the fire/In the darkest night/You are close like no other/I've known You as a father, I've known You as a friend/And I have lived in the goodness of God

So many images rushed through my mind.  The long night that I endured as I miscarried our third child--the brutal emotional pain of that experience.  The deep, difficult nights at the end of my father's life, when I was the only one awake in the house, sitting vigil at his side to be sure he wouldn't try to get up and fall down. I never slept. When I needed to wash sheets or change linens (often) I woke my sister up, but otherwise the house was quiet. I knew I wasn't alone. God was watching with me. 

Cause your goodness is running after, it's running after me...with my life laid down/I'm surrendered now/I give you everything/Cause your goodness is running after me.....

For years I ran in the opposite direction of God, and His goodness showed up constantly, in unexpected places, pursuing me. And the surrender that has had to occur when I've reached the end of my own abilities...I could see flashes of my husband's cancer, my father's cancer, moments with my children when I wasn't sure what to do, difficulties in my extended family...the surrender to God that is so hard, but such a relief. 

And all my life You have been faithful/And all my life You have been so, so good/With every breath that I am able/Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

Life can be hard. I don't understand most of what happens, or why, but I try to turn, over and over again, in the direction of trust and surrender to the goodness of God.